The Shaver/Transcript


 * It all started with us: The cavemen. Since day one, our people have always been where the action is. Sure, maybe not front and center, but if you're enjoying your modern civilization, you might want to send us a little thank-you note. We're not that hard to find. We're right here beside you. We're really not that different from you. Just a little better lookin'.


 * [Scene: The Shores apartment complex, swimming pool. Nick and Andy sit on deck chairs by the pool in shorts and t-shirts; Andy holds a Cosmopolitan magazine, Nick reads Raphael Sealey's A History of the Greek City States, 700–338 B.C. They both wear darkly tinted sunglasses. Andy surveys the poolside.]

Andy: There are a lot of hot babes living here, Nick. Nick: Yeah, if you like bleached out silicone-stuffed cougar pups. Andy: I do. Hey, you know, [Andy points out a girl on the other side of the pool.] when that tall one was in the pool with me? I actually drank some of the water around her.
 * [Nick turns to looks critically at Andy. A handsome man with clean-cropped hair some distance from Andy and Nick begins laughing loudly, surrounded by bikini-clad blondes. He is dressed casually in a low-buttoned shirt and dark sunglasses.]

Nick: Ugh! That guy is the worst. He moved in like two weeks ago and has already elected himself mayor of the complex.
 * [Joel, dressed for work, approaches Andy and Nick's deck chairs.]

Joel: All right. Wish me luck. I get word on that executive training program today. Nick: You don't need any luck, you don't have any chance in hell.
 * [Joel looks at Nick with an exasperated expression.]

Andy: Good luck to you, Joel. Joel: Well thank you, Andy, for believing in my dream. Nick: Poor Joel. You're like a moth that keeps hurling itself at a screen, unable to accept the fact that it's never gonna get into the house. Joel: Moths get into houses all the time. Nick: Fine. Something bigger, like a grizzly bear. Andy: No, a bear doesn't work, 'cause it could just burst right through the screen; you gotta use something small like a hummingbird. Nick: Why would a hummingbird want to get into a house? Andy: Because there's nectar inside. Nick: ... Point is, you're a caveman, Joel. And the powers that be do not want any of our kind in their little club. Joel: Well, you're wrong, Nick. And, I'm about to go prove it to you. Nick: You do that. Joel: I will.
 * [Joel starts to head off.]

Nick: Do.
 * [Joel walks backward away from Nick so that he can continue arguing.]

Joel: Will. Nick: Do. Joel: Will.
 * [Joel goes out of earshot; Andy gives him a thumbs up. The laughing man from earlier again laughs along with his bikini babes.]

Nick: Ugh! Listen to him braying like a hyena. [Laugher excuses himself from the group and walks to the edge of the pool.] I hope he slips and chips a tooth on one of those fake boobs. ''[The laugher removes his sunglasses and shirt, revealing a prominent brow and hairy chest. Nick looks on, wide-eyed.]'' Oh my God, will you look at that? He's a caveman. Andy: [hesitant] He doesn't look like a caveman. Nick: That dude's a shaver. [The "shaver" runs over to the area of the pool immediately before Nick and Andy, cannonballing into the water directly in front of them and covering them both in water.] And a total jackass.


 * [Scene: The Shores entryway; Andy and Nick walk side-by-side, returning to the building with their things.]

Nick: ... That way, he thinks that nobody will ever know that he's a caveman. Andy: I can't imagine shaving your body every day. I-It's just gotta be a lot of work. Nick: Yeah, unless you're trying to pass as a sapien. This is so great. You know when you hate someone, and then you find out you have even more reason to hate them? It's like finding money in an old pair of pants.


 * [Cut to: Joel's apartment, Andy and Nick enter, still discussing the "shaver".]

Andy: I don't know, Nick, I mean, hate's a really strong word, don't you think? The guy's not hurting anybody. Nick: Andy, that shaver is hurting all of us. By hiding who he is, he's saying "It's not OK to be a caveman." I mean, it's 2007, it's not like the '80s when John Tesh had no choice but to shave. Andy: Did you just say "John Tesh"? [Nick looks at Andy as if to say "Obviously."] He's a caveman. [Nick nods.] Ohh ... I always knew his music got inside of me, I just didn't know why. Nick: Think about it. John Tesh is a triple threat: entertainment journalist, [Nick takes a copy of John Tesh's Live at Red Rocks down from the record shelf; the cover features a close-up on Tesh's face.] king of adult contempo, and nobody, but nobody, gives a live performance like J.T. [Andy places arms akimbo in agreement.] I mean, can you imagine what it would be like if we could claim John Tesh as one of our own? Andy: Well, forget about it. I would kill to just scream that from the rooftops. Nick: But do you think the record labels would embrace a caveman?
 * [Andy shakes his head "I don't know."]

Andy: I ... Nick: Of course not. And so John Tesh became a shaver. [Andy nods slowly as if wrestling with a major realization.] And even worse? [Nick holds up Live at Red Rocks and points to Tesh's forehead.] F.B.R. Full. Brow. Reduction. Andy: [breathy with amazement] No.


 * [Scene: Nörskbild. Five Nörskbild workers, including Joel, wait nervously at the employee noticeboard. Joel and another worker, Craig, are both pacing.]

Joel: Man, this waiting is crazy, huh? Craig: Hah, yeah. [They stop facing and Craig turns to face Joel.] It's gonna be you. Joel: Oh, come on. Craig: No, it is. And you know what? It should be. A—You deserve it, Joel. You're a tireless worker, a born leader ... you're the perfect choice to be a senior vice skiftadirektör. Joel: You know, you're—you're pretty darn deserving, yourself. Craig: Ah, I just hope you remember old Craig when you're lookin' down from Valhalla. ''[Craig laughs; Joel grins, growing confident. A senior Nörskbild worker comes into the noticeboard area, looks over the applicants, and places a paper on the board, before leaving. Joel and Craig lean in to see; Craig raises his arms in victory.]'' Oh my God, I'm goin' to the show!
 * [Joel looks glum and frustrated as Craig bustles around excitedly. Though still upset, he pulls himself together.]

Joel: Hey, Craig, uh ... congratulations, man. Craig: Wait, what am I saying. No, this is wrong. It should be you. Joel: Craig. You got it, all right? You can stop kissing up to me, OK? Craig: Oh yeah.
 * [Craig runs off excitedly as Joel continues to look mad about the loss. He angrily knocks down a a Nörskbild promotional cutout.]


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, balcony. Joel and Andy are sitting down and playing cards, while Nick stands staring off the balcony using binoculars.]

Joel: I cannot believe that they picked Nadler over me. I mean, now I've gotta wait a whole year before I can get another shot at the program, I ... I just can't win. Andy: Gin.
 * [Andy laughs and throws down his cards.]

Joel: Of course. Everybody beats Joel. Nick: I think I got a beat on his bathroom. If he's shavin' his elbows, you can bet he ain't no Albanian. Joel: Nick, can you please just put away the binoculars? It's creeping me out. Nick: Hold on, I think I got something. No, it's just some chick sudsin' up in the tub.
 * [Andy and Joel both stand up.]

Andy: [laughing] Let me check it out.
 * [Joel snatches the binoculars away from Nick.]

Joel: What are you, a peeping tom, now, huh? What's your problem? Nick: Joel, why do you think you got passed over today? Because cavemen are treated like second-class citizens. And as long as there are sellouts like that shaver, nothing is ever gonna change. Joel: Look, that's just victim mentality. Nick: No, no, no, no, a victim sits by and takes it. That's why I propose that we out that shaver, and make him the victim. Joel: Look, I don't have time for this. OK, I've got my own career to worry about.
 * [Joel walks away into the apartment proper. Behind where he was standing, Andy is using the binoculars.]

Andy: Ohh, Nick, she's like seventy. Nick: Maybe just, uh, soften the focus a little bit.
 * [Nick follows Joel into the apartment; Andy watches him go somewhat unsure, but decides to try it, and looks through the binoculars again.]

Andy: [appreciatively] Ohh.


 * [Scene: Outside The Shores; Thorne, Kate, and Leslie stand by Leslie's car, parked out front; Andy, leaving the building, notices them and approaches.]

Andy: [laughing] Hey! How's it going, guys? Thorne: Hi. Leslie: Hi. Kate: What's up, how you doin'? Andy: I'm good! [Andy looks down at the front right tire with a look of concern.] Ohh, flat tire, huh? Leslie: Oh, yeah. Kate: And the auto club is taking forever. We are so late. Andy: I can change the tire. Thorne: Really? Leslie: Really? Andy: Yeah, it's ...
 * [Andy heads for the trunk to take out the spare.]

Leslie: Aren't you a love bug! That is so sweet!
 * [Andy opens the trunk and finds it empty.]

Andy: Uhm ... there's no spare. Leslie: Oh, yeah there is. [Leslie points to the right back tire.] It's here on the car. Kate: Mom. If it's on the car, then it's not a spare any more. Leslie: Thank you, Miss Goodwrench. Andy: Leslie, if you don't mind waiting for the auto club, [to Kate] I can give you and Thorne a ride. Kate: Are you serious? Leslie: You're our knight in hairy armor!
 * [Andy laughs awkwardly.]


 * [Cut to: Andy's car. Andy and Kate sit down in front, with Thorne in the back seat.]

Andy: All right. You all strapped in back there, Thorne? Thorne: [sarcastic] Safety first. Andy: [laughing] That's right. Kate: Thank you so much for doing this, Andy, it's so sweet; I hope, you know, we're not keeping you from anything important. Andy: No, no, I was just heading to the grocery store, actually. Kate: Oh, OK. Andy: I'm making my special chicken a la Andy for the boys tonight. Kate: Oh là là, what's your secret? Andy: Well, I start with a marinade of rosemary, lemon juice and olive oil. And, then I, uh ... ''[Andy tries to pull out of his parking space and a van stops in front of him, forcing him to brake. He leans out of the window looking furious.]'' [shouting] Learn how to drive, you stupid jerk-ass, huh?! Are you a moron?! Really! I'm gonna come out of this car, and stomp your ugly face in!
 * [Kate looks alarmed, while Thorne is impressed. The van pulls out of Andy's way, its driver calling back as he moves on.]

Van driver: Hey, relax, man! You need to calm down!
 * [Andy returns to his seat.]

Andy: Then you bake it at 350 for about 40, 45 minutes until the skin is nice, crispy, golden brown.
 * [Andy pulls out of his parking space.]


 * [Scene: The Shores, hallway; Joel is just arriving home, still in uniform, with his work stuff in a satchel over his shoulder; he searches through his keys to open the apartment. He unlocks and opens the door, but only gets a foot into the room when Nick, standing in the doorway, stops him.]

Nick: Hi!
 * [Nick pushes Joel back out of the apartment, closing the door behind him.]

Joel: Wha— Nick: Thank God you're here. I just saw the shaver heading for the rec room. Let's go. Push out.
 * [Nick starts guiding a reluctant Joel away from the apartment.]

Joel: Dude, I just got home. Nick: No no no no, I promise, if you get a good look at him, you'll see that I'm right. Joel: Look, Nick, I've been killing myself all day, all right, I just want to relax. Nick: Look, what could be more relaxing than closely examining another man's features? Let's go, Joely.
 * [Joel sighs.]


 * [Scene: Wherever Kate and Thorne wanted to go; the girls are outside Andy's car, saying goodbye.]

Andy: 'K, God bless. [Kate nods, and the girls watch as he drives away; as he goes, he honks his horn.] [distant] Out of my way, you jerk! Kate: Do you believe that, that guy is a maniac. Thorne: Who knew? [laughs] I am so horned up, I need to sit in an ice bucket.
 * [Kate looks disgustedly at Thorne, who breathily sighs.]


 * [Scene: The Shores, rec room. The shaver stands and speaks with a group that has gathered around him; Joel and Nick stand outside the room and look on.]

Jake: [distant] We're making a connection, can you guys feel it? Nick: Well? Jake: [distant] Can you feel it? Joel: ... I don't know ... I—I mean, I guess ... he's kinda got a prominent brow, but ... I can't really tell from here. Nick: OK, so we'll just wait 'til he comes out, then. Joel: You're never gonna let this go, are you? Nick: I think we both know the answer to that one, Joel.
 * [Joel gives up and passes his satchel to Nick.]

Joel: Fine. I'll get a better look. Jake: I'm just saying, guys, that if you're not adding five numbers to your PDA every day, you aren't networking, you're not working. [The crowd laughs at this wordplay; Jake notices Joel approaching.] [to Joel] Hey hey! Nörskbild. That's in one of my top ten lists of top twenty companies on the move for '08. [to the group] Looks like we got a playa! [to Joel] What's your name, Joel? [Joel looks at Jake, unsure.] [laughing] I'm sorry. I can tell from your shirt that your name is Joel, I'm just so conditioned to adding context to my mental rolodex. So, uh ... Joel. [Jake leads Joel over to a desk covered in copies of a single book.] You ever hear of Bob Anthony's Network Your Way to Success?
 * [Jake hands Joel a copy of the book.]

Joel: Uhh ... yeah, sure. Yeah. Jake: Yeah? Joel: Is that what ... you guys are all talking about? Jake: We're the local Bob Mob. We get together, quaff a few exotic libations, and strategize about tapping into our full potential. Joel: You know, that—that's kinda funny, because ... recently I've been thinking a lot about my own untapped potential.
 * [Still outside the rec room, Nick nods approvingly.]

Nick: There we go, Joel. Smoke him out of his hole, buddy. Jake: Let me ask you a question, Joel. What would you say if I told you I can double your income in six months? Would that ... be something that would interest you? Joel: Is that a rhetorical question? Jake: [laughs] Julie! Hook my man Joel up with the reada'.
 * [Jake leads Joel over to the drinks. They each take one.]

Joel: Oh ... lime and everything. Jake: Welcome aboard. Joel: Thanks.
 * [Joel looks guiltily at Nick, outside.]

Nick: Un-believable. ... Et tu, Joel? Et tu?


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Joel, sitting at the dinner table, excitedly sniffs his newly printed business cards. Nick walks in, wearing his robe.]

Nick: Good morning, traitor. Joel: Good morning! Nick: Sleep well, traitor? Joel: Fine. Nick: Ooh, where'd you get those business cards, Traitor Joe's? Joel: Ohh, so the plan is to work the word "traitor" into every sentence? Nick: Nooo ... traitor—uh oh! [laughs] Changed my mind. Joel: I'm gonna go pin up some business cards around the complex. Like Jake says: "The secret to success is to not keep your success a secret." Nick: Boy, you are becoming America's pre-eminent toolbag. Why are you spending so much time with that fraud? Joel: Well, if he's such a fraud, then how is it that yesterday at work, I managed to sell two, yes, two Grunksklörgs. Nick: I don't know what that is. Joel: It's a rack that allows you to wash your athletic shoes in the dishwasher. Nick: Why would anybody want that? Joel: Exactly. They're unsellable. And I sold two of them. You know why? Because I was really selling myself. Just like Jake says: "You have to conn-ect if you want to coll-ect." Nick: "Jake says; Oh, you know what Jake said; Ohh, Jake is so dreamy; I wonder if Jake's gonna ask me to prom; Do you think Jake likes wine coolers? I hope we get some in the limo, 'cause that would be sweet." Joel: You know, Nick, it sounds to me like you're actually a little jealous of Jake. Nick: Please, jealous? You're being brainwashed by that snake oil salesman. Joel: Jake said that you wouldn't understand. He said that Bob Anthony has a word for people just like you. You're a "contagious self-defeater". Nick: He doesn't even know me. Joel: Actually, I used you as an example in front of the group. [Nick looks at Joel, annoyed at this.] Look, I really think that Jake can help you, Nick. You know, he leads Bob Anthony seminars. Nick: ''Oh, he does? Why didn't you say so? When's the next one?'' Joel: Well, it's ... this afternoon, actually. Nick: Oooooh, this afternooooon? Joel: Classic self-defeater.
 * [Joel collects his stuff and heads off.]


 * [Scene: Leslie's apartment/office. Leslie paints her toenails behind her desk, with help from a magnifying glass. Nick walks in through the open door.]

Nick: Knock knock! Leslie: Ohh! Hi! Uhh ... Nick: [prompting] Nnnnnnnnn ...  Leslie: Are you growling at me? Nick: "Nick". My name is "Nick". Leslie: Nick. I am so sorry, Nick. [Leslie stands up, holding a shoe, and walks over to Nick as she speaks.] I knew that. I'm just terrible with names. I know it probably seems like [laughs] I think you all look alike, [Leslie puts on her stray heel.] but nothing could be further from the truth, I'm not that kind of person. I love all God's creatures! Nick: [laughing] Well, good for you. Leslie: Thanks! Nick: I am here to get my rental agreement, for my files? Leslie: Oh! Oh, yeah, sure, all right, umm ... [Leslie opens up a file drawer and sorts through it for his paper.] Yes, here you go. Uh, you know I am gonna get someone to make a copy of that for you ...
 * [Leslie heads off into another room. Nick slyly approaches the drawer.]

Nick: Wonderful. Leslie: ... and I'll be right back. Nick: OK, no hurry. Leslie: Two shakes of a lamb's tail! ''[Nick laughs, and begins rifling through the drawer. Before he gets far, though, Leslie walks back in.]'' Oh, you know, you want one copy or two? Nick: Oh!
 * [Leslie sees Nick stands up from the drawer and turns around guiltily.]

Leslie: ... What are you doing? Nick: What? Leslie: ... There's no drugs in there. Nick: ... Why would I be looking for drugs in a file cabinet? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was involved in some sort of white collar crime? Leslie: God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ... imply, that you're a ... OK, why am I apologizing? Please explain yourself. Nick: OK ... you have a tenant named Jake Koske, who I think is a caveman trying to pass as a Homo sapien, and I wanted to see his rental agreement to see what race he put down.
 * [Leslie tosses down Nick's rental agreement and heads for the file drawer.]

Leslie: Well, why didn't you say so? Nick: Isn't this like super illegal? Leslie: [dismissive] Oh, I don't know. [Leslie digs through the drawer again and brings out Jake's paper, handing it to Nick.] Here you go. Nick: OK. [Nick looks through the agreement and finds the race field.] Look at that, he left it blank. Leslie: Well, I think the race part is optional. Nick: No no no no no, he is hiding something, and I am gonna use that to bring his world crashing down around him. Leslie: ... You're very intense. Nick: Extremely.
 * [Leslie looks somewhat taken-aback.]


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, kitchen. Andy is busy glazing a ham when the phone rings. He licks his fingers and picks it up.]

Andy: This is Andy.
 * [On the other end is Thorne; she stands in front of her mirror making herself up as she speaks.]

Thorne: Hi, Andy, it's Thorne, hey. Can you give me a ride to the doctor? Andy: Yeah, sure, what's wrong? Thorne: Ohh, well my carpal tunnel is acting up. I got it from typing a lot? ... That's how you get it, right? Andy: Yeah, I think so. What—What time's your appointment? Thorne: Pretty much now. Andy: Ohh, well, you know, I'm glazing a ham ... Thorne: Oh well. What can you do? Come now.
 * [Thorne hangs up; on Andy's end, he looks a little unsure of what just happened; back with Thorne, she pushes up her breasts and fixes her hair.]


 * [Scene: Restaurant. Joel sits at a table with two sharply dressed businessmen; Kate is visible at a table in the background, looking unhappy.]

Joel: ... It's funny, isn't it? I mean, the way people from different industries can have similar goals. Then again, we are all part of the same economy. Am I right? ''[Joel laughs, but the businessmen just stare, skeptical. A third businessman approaches the table from behind him and stands beside the chair Joel sits in.]'' Oh, I'm—I'm sorry. Uh, is this your seat? Businessman: Yeah ... hi. Joel: Oh. Don't mean to impose! [Joel stands up and reaches into his pocket to take out his wallet.] Oh, before I forget, let me leave a few cards for you guys. ''[The businessmen exchange bemused glances. Joel starts passing out business cards on the table as if dealing playing cards; he leaves two in each placement.]'' There we are ... One to keep, one to share, huh? OK. Enjoy your lunch. Good to meet you.
 * [Joel smiles and heads back to Kate's table.]

Kate: I thought you were gonna have lunch with me. Joel: Sorry, Kate. "Success never eats." Kate: Joel. I feel like I'm losing you into a cult. Joel: Ohh, it is not a cult, Kate. I—I me—Yes, Jake is a very charismatic leader, and yes, there's some chanting involved, but ... they ask nothing of you but a single-minded dedication to achieving your own personal growth. And a small fee for margarita fixings. Kate: Yeah, but why would you have to pay someone to teach you how to network? Isn't it simple, you know: go out and meet people? Joel: [laughing, patronising] Ohh. You are so cute. No, actually, it's a very highly complicated business science. Kate: Really. Joel: Yes. There's the art of the handshake, there's the crafting of the smile, uh, leaving your business cards in urinals ... [Kate raises her eyebrows at this.] This guy, Jake, he is a networking whiz. Kate: I'm just worried he's trying to turn you into something that you're not. Joel: Like what, a success? Kate: No, like a superficial cheeseball.
 * [The businessman who Joel had displaced earlier arrives at Joel and Kate's table gingerly.]

Businessman: Excuse me, I'm—I'm—I'm sorry to interrupt. The Grunksklörg ... [Joel nods.] Can you fit hiking boots in there? Joel: Absolutely. Yeah, you know what? You swing by the store? I will hook you up, personally. Businessman: Great, man, thank you. Joel: No problem!
 * [The businessman returns to his table looking pleased. Joel likewise looks happy with himself.]

Joel: [to Kate] Proof's in the pudding, babe. Proof is in the pudding.


 * [Scene: Andy's car. Andy is giving Thorne the ride she "requested" earlier. Hall & Oates's "Kiss on My List" is playing on the car stereo.]

Thorne: Thank you for the ride, Andy. I mean, I did not feel safe. Driving my car with that broken thingy? Andy: I'm—I'm glad to help, really. [Thorne smiles.] Ohh, I love this song! [Andy turns up the radio.] [singing along] "Because your kiss, your kiss, is on my list. Because—" [A car joins into Andy's lane in front of his car.] You did not just cut me off! Thorne: Oh my God! Go get him! Andy: Oh, you're gonna die, hatchback!
 * [Andy revs his engine to make chase; Thorne looks extremely turned on.]


 * [Scene: Bob's Mob meeting. Jake stands at the front of the room lecturing to a little over 30 seated listeners; Joel is among them. Large Bob Anthony covers are all over the front of the room; Jake gestures to one.]

Jake: Like the great Bob Anthony says: "The more contacts we make, the more opportunities we create." [The crowd nods and make sounds of affirmation.] "Opportunity equals poss-ibility, possibility increases the prob-ability of financial sta-bility." [The group agrees enthusiastically again.] It's what Bob refers to as the principal of Poss-Prob-Sta. And what does Poss-Prob-Sta lead to, everyone? ''[The crowd all shout "Money!", Joel included. Jake begins chanting, and the entire crowd joins in.] Mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, [Nick skulks into the room as the crowd is chanting and takes a seat in the back.]'' mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney, mo-ney.
 * [As the crowd breaks into whoops and clapping, Joel turns and notices Nick in the back, and reduces his enthusiasm; Nick claps along with the crowd and smiles insincerely at the person next to him.]


 * [Scene: Andy's car. Andy is stopped at a light, with his head out the window; he looks outraged.]

Andy: What are you, an idiot?! Huh?! It says "Don't Walk"! [A woman pushes a pram across the crossing in front of Andy's car, shaking her head at him.] That's what the flashing orange hand means, OK?! [Thorne breathes heavily, looking amorously at Andy.] That was a cute baby. Thorne: Mmmm.
 * [A car speeds past Andy.]

Driver: Watch it! Andy: Fart off, airhole! Thorne: You know what? Why don't we wait out all this traffic? Pull into one of these cheap motels. Andy: Sounds good. [Andy pulls into the driveway of a cheap motel but pulls up short as another car sits in his way.] Oh, come on. [Andy honks his horn.] Any year now, grandpa, would be good! 'K?! [Andy reverses and drives around the offending car.] Nice! Nice.
 * [Andy pulls into a parking space and Thorne hurriedly removes her seat belt.]

Thorne: Come on. Let's get a room. Andy: [laughing] All righty-roo!
 * ["Grandpa" from earlier knocks on Andy's car window, looking extremely pissed off.]

"Grandpa": You got a problem, pal?! Thorne: No! You're the one that's gonna have a problem! Andy: [whispering] Thorne. Just ... be quiet. Ignore him and he'll go away. Thorne: What? Come on! Tear him a new one!
 * [Andy takes out his cell phone.]

Andy: [voice cracking] I'm calling the police!
 * [Thorne looks at Andy with confusion as her arousal evaporates.]

"Grandpa": You are incredibly rude! Andy: I'm dialing—I'm di—I just dialed it. ''["Grandpa" walks away. Thorne, looking completely uninterested, opens her door to get out.]'' Where are you going? Thorne: To catch a cab. Andy: Why—Wh—Put the window up. [Andy electronically raises the window, fearfully.] Man.


 * [Scene: Bob's Mob meeting. Jake is still addressing the crowd from the front of the room.]

Jake: Remember, even though we live in the age of the information super highway, personal connections ... are made on the ordinary streets, sidewalks, and in the alleys. [Nick raises his hand.] You have a question, sir. Nick: [sickly sweet] Yes, I do, Jake. Can you be a true success even if you're a deplorable hypocrite?
 * [Joel looks mortified.]

Jake: Well, as long as you keep up with your networking, I don't see why not. Nick: That was not a hypothetical question, I'm talking about you. Jake: Are you calling me a hypocrite? Nick: I'm calling you a shaver. Jake: I'm—I'm sorry, I don't know what that means. Nick: Oh, please. [Nick stands up in the aisle between the seats.] You're not fooling anybody. Well, maybe you're fooling these gullible lemmings; sorry folks, you are collateral in a bigger fight. Jake: OK, guy, I don't know what your problem is, but why don't you stick a cork in it until I'm through here? Nick: How 'bout I stick a cork in you with these two, huh, [Nick raises his fists at Jake.] you ready for that?
 * [Joel stands up and pushes Nick backward.]

Joel: Nick! What the hell is your problem? Jake: You know this guy, Joel? Joel: I'm sorry, Jake, he's my roommate. The—The—The self-defeater? Jake: Ahh. Joel: He's got this crazy idea that you're actually a caveman. Jake: Me. A caveman. [laughs] Joel: Yeah, I know, it's ... Jake: You gotta be kiddin' me, I'm super-good-looking and mega-successful.
 * [Nick is unimpressed by this remark; Joel is also put off by it.]

Joel: U—What ... like a—a caveman can't be those things, or ...? Jake: Uh, no. Don't be silly, "Anyone can be anything," that's the Bob Anthony way.
 * [The crowd applauds for his slogan.]

Nick: Stop clapping, you sheep.
 * [Members of the crowd make hurt noises and stop clapping.]

Joel: You just implied that ... there's no way that you could be a caveman because you're so successful and you're so handsome. Jake: Come on, Joel, that's just P.C. stuff. Forget about political correctness, think about prof-it-a-ble correctness. Nick: Blecch. Joel: Oh, no, I'm not trying to be P.C., here, Jake. I—I—You just said that cavemen are unsuccessful, and ugly. Nick: He said it! You, in the front row, with the hair plugs, you heard it, right?
 * [Hair plugs in the front row looks displeased with being publicly outed.]

Jake: Everybody, take a good look; a couple of textbook self-defeaters. And you wonder why you keep getting passed over for a promotion. Joel: I got passed over once. Jake: Yeah, well get used to it, because cream rises to the top; I'm cream, you're not. Joel: You know, you are an enormous ass. Jake: Oh, uh-oh, here it comes, folks, that famous caveman temper. Hoo-hoo-hoo. You wanna run out to your car and get your club? Joel: Oh, no no no. I don't need one.
 * [Joel grabs Jake by his shirt, pushes him around some as he makes terrified noises, before hurling him to the floor.]


 * [Scene: The Shores, hallway. Nick and Joel walk back to the apartment together.]

Joel: I don't know what I was thinking. I just—I had to wipe that stupid cheesy grin right off his face, you know? [sighs] Man, I feel horrible. Nick: As you should. And people are gonna think that's typical caveman behavior. Joel: You're the one who incited all this. Nick: Yeah, but I didn't realize there was some crazy psycho lying beneath this buttoned-down exterior ... Not that he didn't deserve it.
 * [Nick and Joel enter the apartment.]

Joel: Yeah, and you know, I've never seen a grown man just burst into tears like that before. Nick: Yeah, it was pretty awesome. Joel: Ohh, God. All my contacts that I had before all this blew up. You think they'll return my phone calls? Nick: If they know what's good for 'em, killer.
 * [Nick throws a few punches as if boxing. Joel doesn't find this funny. Meanwhile, Andy is sitting over at the stereo holding Live at Red Rocks and listening to it using headphones.]

Andy: Oh my God. It's blatantly obvious.
 * [Andy has drawn long caveman hair, brow ridge, thick eyebrows and beard on the photo of John Tesh featured on the cover.]

Nick: Ahh. Brother Tesh. Joel: You know what? I do not even mind that he is a shaver. 'Cause every night, he brings it. Andy: He rocks. Nick: You know what? Fire that sucker up.
 * [Andy yanks the headphone cord, pulling it out of the stereo so the sound of Tesh's "Barcelona" reverts to playing through the speakers; Andy stands and begins dancing around and plays air keyboard, and Joel air drums, but Nick at first watches them, before reluctantly nodding.]

Nick: ... All right. I'll do it, but only ironically.
 * [Andy laughs. Nick joins in on violin and the trio flails to the music.]
 * [Credits roll.]