Nick Get Job/Transcript


 * It all started with us: The cavemen. Since day one, our people have always been where the action is. Sure, maybe not front and center, but if you're enjoying your modern civilization, you might want to send us a little thank-you note. We're not that hard to find. We're right here beside you. We're really not that different from you. Just a little better looking.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, living room. Nick is sitting on the couch with his laptop; Andy stands over his shoulder, watching and eating breakfast. Nick appears unhappy with the intrusion.]

Andy: You're working on the old dissertation? Nick: [pointedly] Trying. Andy: Hey... [Andy steps over the back of the couch to sit beside Nick.] What's it about anyway? Nick: Well, it's called "On beyond dualism, the evolution of symbology in a post-primitive society." Andy: [knowingly] Okay... what?
 * [Joel arrives in the living room, obviously preparing for work.]

Joel: Nick is basically claiming that cavemen invented the finger. Nick: Well, that is grossly reductive, Joel. And, you won't be laughing when they're calling me Dr. Nick Hedge, Ph.D. Joel: Oh, yes I will. Because I'll be 90, senile, and laughing at pretty much anything. Nick: Heh. Joel: By the way, doc, rent is due and I can't float you this month. Nick: Wow, that is a lot to throw on someone. Joel: "Throw on someone?" Rent's due every month, Nick, you know this. Nick: Why didn't we just buy a place? Andy: You know, it's true, we should have just bought a place, Joel, because, then, instead of throwing money away on rent, we'd be accruing equity and getting a sweet tax break. Joel: I love the way that you guys use the word "we." Especially 'cause I'm the only one who's "throwing money away on rent". Nick: Listen, Joel, I think we all know what the problem is and we're just afraid to say it. Joel: Finally. Nick: I think it's time for you to get a second job. Joel: No, I think you should get a first job.
 * [Andy looks surprised briefly, before returning to his breakfast. Nick laughs dismissively.]


 * [Scene: Nörskbild sales floor. Joel's boss Mr. Hogan looks busy. Joel approaches him, hurrying.]

Joel: Oh, Mr. Hogan. I'm—I'm sorry I'm late. [Hogan looks at his watch.] I lent my car to my roommate, Nick, and he brought it back empty, of course. And [Hogan clears his throat.] so I had to stop— Hogan: Yes, that's very interesting. You know, where I am from, to discuss one's troubled home life would not be done. It would be considered ugly. But I guess we are here, now ...
 * [Hogan walks away, displeased. Andy watches him go. A fellow Nörskbilder, Glen, approaches him.]

Glen: Sir? Joel: Hey, Glen, what's up? Glen: Um ... you know Kyle and Josie? Joel: Yeah, sure. They're restocking, I think. Glen: Well, they're—they're in the fun zone ... and, they're having fun ... with ... each other's zones.
 * [Joel looks mad, nods.]


 * [Cut to: Nörskbild's "fun zone", a colorful children's play area for parents to leave kids while shopping. Present is a ball pit and some play equipment. Joel looks around, searching.]

Joel: Kyle? ... Josie? ''[Joel hears breathing coming from the ball pit, behind him. He opens its plastic door.]'' All right, come on. Get out of there.
 * [Kyle and Josie rise from beneath the coloured balls; the balls reach just below their chests. Kyle is not visibly clothed; Josie is wearing a bra.]

Kyle: Hey Joel. Joel: This is the children's ball pit, OK? You guys can't be naked in here, doing ... that. Kyle: I didn't think it was against policy. Joel: Well, I didn't think it had to be stated outright. Josie: We promise we won't do it again. Kyle: Not during store hours. Joel: What? Are you guys out of your minds? Kyle: Come on, dude, like you've never thought about doin' it in here before? Joel: No! I haven't. Now, I'm sorry, you're both fired, okay? Collect your stuff, let's go. Kyle: Whoa, whoa, hang on. As long as we're fired... do you mind if we finish? Joel: ...Yes! Josie: "Yes," we can finish, or "yes," you mind? Joel: Get out! Josie: Okay.
 * [Kyle and Josie dig around in the balls for their clothes.]

Joel: All right, here we go.
 * [They climb out of the ball pit in their underwear, carrying the rest of their clothing.]

Joel: OK. OK, that's ... All right. [sighs] Classy stuff, guys. Claaassy stuff. [One of the pair, who have exited the frame, throws a ball back to Joel.] Thank you.
 * [Joel tosses the ball back into the ball pit.]
 * [Scene: Nörskbild staff room. The day's staff are all gathered before a magnetic scheduling board.]

Hogan: And now, you're going to have to work extra shifts because Joel has left us short-handed by firing [Hogan removes Kyle and Josie's magnets from the board.] two of your co-workers.
 * [The staff look angrily and groan at Joel.]

Glen: Thanks, Joel. Joel: Look, I didn't fire them arbitrarily. Children play in that ball pit.
 * [Glen makes a face and mocking noise.]

Hogan: Yeah. Shannon? You're going to work Saturday in addition to Sunday now. Barry, I know you've got your AA meetings, uh, Tuesday, Thursday, but ... you'll be working nights until further notice. Everybody check the board, you know, we got ... reassignment. OK, back to work! [Hogan claps twice, the staff begin leaving.] Don't let your sadness infect the sales day, please. Glen: Thanks, Joel. Hogan: Smile, everybody, have some good fun today! It's gonna be OK.
 * [The staff continues to file out of the room; Joel remains behind and approaches Mr. Hogan.]

Joel: Um ... I have a friend, Nick, who needs a job? And, I was hoping we could hire him. He'd help pick up some of the extra shifts. Hogan: Is this your roommate Nick you keep complaining about? Joel: No. [laughing] Oh, no. Hogan: Yeah, I wouldn't want him. Joel: No. Completely different guy.


 * [Scene: Apartment building laundry. Andy is alone, sorting his laundry into two machines. He places some blue jeans in the right machine.]

Andy: Sortin' out my darks ... [Placing white clothes in the left machine.] Sortin' out my lights ''[Brown pants, right machine. Andy's sorting starts to become tuneful.] and I'm sortin' out my darks and a dikka-dikka-dike, dikka-dikka-dikka-dee ... [Andy takes a gray shirt from his laundry bag and leans first right, then left, before looking thoughtful.]'' Grey ...
 * [Unsure what to do, Andy returns the grey shirt to the laundry bag. As he does, a woman arrives carrying a laundry basket.]

Andy: Hey! [The woman looks up from her laundry, smiling, about to greet him back, but then sees him and freezes with fear.] I'm Andy. I'm new here. [Andy notices the look she's giving him.] Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. ''[Andy laughs. The woman still doesn't move, and exhales roughly.]'' No, come on in, there's uh, plenty of washing machines. Washing machines abound! [Andy laughs again; the woman's eyelid twitches.] Do you need quarters? [The woman finally turns and leaves hurriedly.] I have extra ... quarters ... too.
 * [Andy looks around, confused; he has no idea what has just happened.]


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, kitchen area. Joel and Nick are drinking wine on the living room side of the kitchen counter. Maurice is in the kitchen, cooking.]

Joel: So, Nick, basically, you've got two options: you can either accept the job that I've offered you or you can move back in with your mom and sleep in your cute little red racecar bed! Nick: Uhh, are you referring to the number eight Ferrari Testarossa, A.K.A. the Dream Machine? Surely, this is not the bed you mock. Joel: Welcome to the work force, Nick!
 * [Joel pats Nick on the shoulder; Maurice holds up a jar of powdered nutmeg.]

Maurice: You guys should really get some whole nutmeg. These powdered spices are a fool's game. [Andy comes in through the front door and approaches the kitchen.] It's like cooking with dust. Andy: Hey, am I scary? Joel: What? Andy: Like, if you saw me, would you scream? [Nick nods mockingly.] I was just in the laundry room, and some woman came in, and she turned around and ran. Maurice: Congratulations. You just experienced the raw, unbridled image of what the world thinks of us. "Eek! Help! It's a sex-craved caveman."
 * [Whatever Maurice has in the frying pan bursts into flames. Andy flinches away; Maurice is unfazed.]

Joel: Look, I'm sure she just forgot something. Nick: Yeah, her rape whistle.
 * [Maurice holds up a tomato.]

Maurice: You guys know that tomatoes are a fruit? It's absurd.


 * [Scene: Nörskbild sales floor. Joel is giving Nick the tour.]

Joel: And this is the main sales floor. Nick: Uh-huh. Joel: Over 40% ... Nick: Right. Joel: ...of all the sales that we have here at the store... Nick: Sure. Joel: ...happen within 20 feet of where we are right now. Nick: All right, sweetskis. Let's go sell some crap.
 * [Nick attempts to walk off, but Joel stops him.]

Joel: No no, no no, not so fast. Uh, see, every Nörskbild employee starts off as a replenisher. Nick: "A replenisher"? Joel: Yes, it's your job to keep the display floor looking neat, and to make sure that each module is restored back to its original state after the customer's trial habitation. Nick: [extended groan] So basically, I am a housekeeper for the world's biggest house? Joel: Uh, no; you are a replenisher for the world's biggest house. Nick: Let me ask you a question, Joel. How many replenishers have a Ph.D.? Joel: None. Including you. Nick: ...Fair enough.


 * [Scene: Apartment building parking lot. Andy is walking to his car when he notices the woman he saw earlier getting out of hers. She places a grocery bag on the roof of her car.]

Andy: Oh, hey! [The woman turns around, at first smiling, but once again terrified when she sees Andy.] Hey! [The woman quickly gets back into her car and tries but fails to start the engine; Andy runs to her car.] Hey! I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. Ta-da! ''[The woman quickly winds up her window. Andy leans in to speak to her.]'' See? I'm not scary, I'm really not, I'm not a scary guy, I'm a really nice guy, I mean, I know that's what a psychopath would say, but that's what a normal person would say, too. ''[The woman finally manages to get her car started and speeds away, tires squealing. Her grocery bag falls from the roof of her car. Andy watches her drive away.]'' [upset] Where are you going?!


 * [Scene: Nörskbild. A customer opens a display fridge; it is entirely filled with a variety of colorful towels. She looks confused. Mr. Hogan passes by and steps back when he realizes what he has just seen. He smiles at the customer and turns to scan the store.]

Hogan: Jooooeeel? Joel!


 * [Cut to: Elsewhere at Nörskbild; Joel and Nick are standing together; Joel is holding a stack of beach towels.]

Nick: Brilliant, isn't it? Now, you see, people open fridges and they see fake food—we don't sell food, Joel! But, they open it up and they see beach towels, they think "Huh? These aren't supposed to be here." They pick one up, "Ooh, plush, colorful," right? "I should buy one. Or six!" Next thing you know, we have sold four hundred dollars worth of these bad boys, if you know what I'm talking about...
 * [Glen approaches Nick and Joel.]

Glen: Nick? Nick: ...simple marketing. Glen: Um, Nick? I cleaned all the bugs out of the wall units. Nick: Kudos, Glendale! Listen; take a fiveser, and then, the CD racks, okay? Glen: Gotcha!
 * [Glen starts to leave, smiling at Nick's approval.]

Nick: Hey! Glen. Towels. [Glen laughs and takes the stack of towels from Joel.] You da man! [laughs]
 * [Glen finally leaves with the towels.]

Joel: Glen is a sales associate, why is he replenishing? Nick: Because he's a natural replenisher. Listen, I think with my skillset, I can best contribute as an idea man, an innovator. Joel: Just do your job. Nick: ...Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Joel: [softly] Don't say that in here. [Nick performs a Nazi salute.] Do not do that in here! [Nick, continuing to hold his Nazi salute, comically marches away.] Nick... Or that! ...It's offensive. [Joel follows Nick as he marches away.] It's very, very offensive.


 * [Scene: Joel's bedroom. Kate and Joel are in bed together, she is kissing him passionately, but pulls away when he is unresponsive.]

Kate: Joel. I'm doing all the heavy lifting, here. Joel: I'm sorry, I'm just really distracted. It's this whole Nick thing. Kate: Ugh! Can we please not talk about Nick while I'm naked? Joel: Ohh, he's a disaster, it's like... I gotta spend all my energy during the day just to get him to focus on one simple task. ...And, he's taken all of those little jotter pencils that we've got. Why does he take those? I mean, boxes of them. [Kate sighs.] I don't even know what he uses them for, he—he doesn't bowl. He doesn't golf, he... Kate: Fire him, Joel. I mean... [Kate maneuvers herself closer to Joel, stroking his chest.] you know... you are the boss, right? Joel: Yeah. Kate: Mhm. Joel: I am the boss. Kate: Mhm. Joel: But, I—I gotta live with the guy, I can't— Kate: Well, who cares? You pay rent, you write the big check. Joel: It is a big check. Kate: Mhm. Joel: It's a very big check. Kate: It sure is.
 * [Joel forgets his troubles and starts making out with Kate.]


 * [Scene: Nörskbild, fun zone. Joel is walking around with a clipboard, apparently checking up on the store . Children are playing in the ball pit. Joel looks at them and looks somewhat uncomfortable, clearly remembering his encounter with Kyle and Josie earlier.]


 * [Cut to: Nörskbild, home office department. Nick sits at an extremely messy desk (the "Ramvik") covered with containers of mushrooms, some half-eaten bagels, several empty cups and cans. He is listening to music using headphones connected to his laptop. He mimes drumming using two pencils with mushrooms pushed onto the ends of them. Joel approaches with his clipboard and sees Nick. He looks around, furious.]

Joel: Nick ... [Nick can't hear over the music.] Nick ... [Nick still can't hear Joel.] Nick!
 * [Nick finally hears Joel and turns to look at him; he stops drumming but keeps in his headphones.]

Nick: Hey, what up? Joel: Can you take off the headphones, please? Nick: I can hear you. Joel: What are you doing? Nick: Huh? Joel: What are you doing?
 * [Nick removes one headphone.]

Nick: I'm demonstrating functionality. Joel: Really? [Nick nods.] 'Cause, you know, to me, it looks like you're just kinda kickin' back. And ... downloading music—at work. Nick: No, Joel, this is work, OK? And it's all for Nörskbild. Listen, the problem with this place is that all the displays are cold and lifeless. How are customers supposed to visualize how they, themselves would use the products if they can't see those products in use? I'm the answer. I'm a living mannequin. Like that movie. Mannequin.
 * [Nick replaces his headphone.]

Joel: Do you not understand what the protocol here is? There's people that co— [Nick has resumed drumming and is not listening.] Nick! ''[Joel walks away to a nearby internal phone. He presses a button.]'' [on phone] Hi, um... would you please send Mr. Hogan to the home office department, please?


 * [Cut to: Nörskbild, home office department. Joel is still listening to music, and dunking a teabag into a cup. Mr. Hogan arrives, and looks outraged.]

Hogan: What is this going on?
 * [Nick removes one of his headphones.]

Nick: Oh. Hello, Mr. Hogan. Hogan: Hello. [Hogan looks thoughtful for a moment.] You're... Nick: "Nick". Hogan: ...fired.
 * [Nick looks surprised. Hogan walks away. Joel, standing around the corner and out of sight, looks relieved.]


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Joel and Nick are speaking through a closed door. Joel is looking extremely relaxed without the stress of having Nick at work, practicing his golf swing.]

Nick: I don't know why I'm so upset about this, I just am, okay? Joel: Yeah. I am taking it pretty hard myself.
 * [Nick comes out in his robe, eating a tub of ice cream. Joel disguises his golf swing as a stretch.]

Nick: I mean, you would think they'd let a guy get his sea legs... right? Like a—frog... but... you thought I was doing a good job, right? Joel: Yeah! I mean, you know, if it were my decision, which it wasn't, you'd still be working there. Nick: Right? Joel: I mean it. I—You know how it is ... with these big corporations. Nick: ... I do.
 * [Nick takes a mouthful of ice cream.]


 * [Cut to: Kitchen. Joel is getting his breakfast.]

Nick: It doesn't make sense! I mean, I'm over-qualified; my ideas were great. Joel: They were. Absolutely. You know, people must just be threatened by that.


 * [Cut to: Exercise machine. Joel is working out.]

Nick: Why would anybody be threatened by me? Unless ... unless it's the obvious. You know, you and I don't exactly look like everyone else at Nörskbild. Joel: Well, if what you're implying is that it could have been anything, then I agree with you. Guess we'll never know.


 * [Cut to: Joel's bedroom, night. The camera faces away from Joel and toward Nick.]

Nick: I mean, it's the only thing that makes sense. Like you said, Joel, they feel threatened by me. Mega-corporations couldn't deal with having more than one caver work there. [imitating Hogan] Och, it might make Nörskbild look dirty. ''[Camera finally switches to the opposite angle; Joel and Kate lay in bed, apparently naked, covered only by a sheet. Neither is impressed by Nick's presence.]'' That's Hogan. Joel: ... Yeah.


 * [Scene: Apartment building mail room. A mail worker sorts the building's mail by address. Andy is snooping around and looks over her shoulder suspiciously. She turns and notices.]

Mail carrier: What are you doing? Andy: Nothing. Mail carrier: Please don't do that. Andy: Just peekin' at the mail. There's nothing illegal with peeking. Is there? Mail carrier: I don't know. But just don't do it. Andy: Okay. ''[Andy continues to linger. The mail carrier continues sorting. Andy focuses on mail going into apartment 412's box.]'' Is that 412? Mail carrier: No. Andy: I just need to know her name. Mail carrier: No! Andy: That's it! Mail carrier: No! Andy: That's it, I just want to see her name! Mail carrier: No! ''[Andy jostles her and she drops all of the mail. They both crouch down; her to pick it up and him to find the name of 412's tenant.]'' No! no!
 * [Andy manages to grab a letter addressed to 412 and excitedly reads the name.]

Andy: Lucy Sprague! Thank you.
 * [Andy hands the mail carrier the letter and leaves; she glares after him.]


 * [Scene: Nörskbild, home office department. Joel surveys the messy desk Nick had been sitting at the day before.]

Joel: Ohh, Nick. ''[He disgustedly starts placing all of the trash into a small plastic bin, when Mr. Hogan approaches holding a piece of paper. Joel does not initially see him, and is surprised by his presence when he looks up from his work.]'' D—Oh, hey! I'm—I'm glad you're here, heh. I'd—I wanted to say, I'm so sorry about the mix-up with that Nick guy... that I hardly even knew. You know, sometimes, you meet someone—barely—and uh, heh, they just end up not being the person that you thought you hired. Or even knew. Hogan: [laughs halfheartedly] That was a boo-boo, yeah. Well, it appears we're not ... rid of this Nick yet.
 * [Hogan shows Joel the paper he's been holding.]

Joel: ... He's filed a lawsuit?
 * [Hogan angrily scrunches the paper.]

Hogan: Multi-million dollar... wrongful termination suit. Joel: ...Again, I hardly even know this guy.
 * [Hogan picks up one of Nick's mushroom-pencil drumsticks, letting it fall into the bin. He then walks away glaring at Joel over his shoulder.]


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Maurice and Nick are browsing a Russian mail-order bride web side, "Russian to the Altar".]

Nick: [at girls on site] Hello. [Nick and Maurice both laugh.] How do you say "meow" in Russian? Maurice: [laughs] Well, hello, Svetlana. Меня зовут [note: My name is] Maurice.
 * [Joel storms into the apartment, slamming the door.]

Joel: A lawsuit, Nick? You've gotta be kidding me! Do you have any idea how much that company's done for me? Nick: No offense, but that company has made you into their performing bear who dances to their music and does whatever they say. Maurice: Yeah, "Do a dance, eat some honey, steal a pie off a windowsill." Nick: I think you're describing a hobo. Maurice: Yeah. Joel's their hobo. Joel: Look, I am nobody's hobo. Nor am I a bear, thank you. [Maurice says something to Joel in Russian.] Stop speaking Russian!


 * [Scene: Nörskbild, staff room. Joel and Hogan sit at a table as a lawyer paces.]

Joel: So, what exactly do I need to do at this arbitration hearing? Lawyer: Just say whatever you're comfortable with. Your own words. Joel: Um, well, Nick got fired because he was bad at his job, and... Lawyer: That's good. Very good. It would be just great if you could add something about how we at Nörskbild are "completely colorblind". Joel: Do I really have to say that?
 * [The lawyer comes to sit at the table beside Hogan and opposite Joel.]

Lawyer: It would carry a lot of weight coming from someone like you.
 * [Joel reels from this comment.]

Hogan: These discrimination lawsuits are such nonsense, so frivolous. Joel: Well, you—not every discrimination lawsuit's frivolous. Hogan: Oh, of course not, no one's saying that. Lawyer: No. Joel: You just did. Hogan: Well, you take anything out of context... Joel: That is the context. Hogan: I don't discriminate, Joel. My gardener's Mexican. Lawyer: I think he's from Ecuador, Lars. Hogan: Yeah... which one is Ecuador, with the—with the hats?
 * [Hogan mimes a sombrero; Joel looks exhausted.]


 * [Scene: High rise office building. A sign reading "ARBITRATION HEARING IN PROGRESS" sits before a closed door. Inside the room, Hogan, his lawyer, and Joel sit at one desk; Nick has another next to them but is pacing the room; an arbitrator sits at a desk at the front of the room. The arrangement vaguely resembles a courtroom.]

Nick: Call me naive, but, somehow, I thought that Nörskbild would be different. But as a caveman, a caveman who has suffered, oh yes, suffered, because I didn't fit into the narrow little corporate world at Nörskbild.
 * [Nick laughs humorlessly and places a hand on Joel's shoulder.]

Lawyer: [whispering to Hogan] I don't think it's gonna fly. Nick: Isn't that right, Joel? Hmm? Joel: I, uhh ... Lawyer: Joel Claybrook is a valued member of the Nörskbild family. Nick: A family that has only room for a few caveman babies, right? Ooh, not too many; they're cute when they're little, aren't they, but what happens when they grow up, and you're stuck with a big, scary caveman? "Ooga-booga! Ooga-booga!" And these people can't handle that!
 * [Joel stands up and addresses the arbitrator.]

Joel: Excuse me! Uh, may I approach the bench please? Arbitrator: Oh, this isn't a courtroom, this is just an arbitration hearing. Joel: Yes, right, but I just need to have a quick chat with the defendant. Arbitrator: He's not the defendant, he's a complainant. Joel: Yeah, okay, I get it.
 * [Joel jostles Nick out of the room. As they leave, Nick turns back to address the arbitrator.]

Nick: I object! Joel: You need to stop this. Nick: Why? I think it's going quite well. Joel: Just so you don't waste any more people's time, you need to know something, Nick ... You deserved to be fired, OK? And I'm the guy who made it happen. Nick: Oh, my God. Joel: Yes. Nick: Those fascists are threatening your job! Don't worry, Joel, once the settlement comes through, I'll pay the rent, OK? And then you won't have to do your hobo bear dance for the man. Joel: No! No fascists are threatening my job. It was you! You were arrogant, you had no idea what you were doing, and, you know, you really didn't even try to learn. Nick: Oh, Joel.
 * [Nick begins dancing and singing Julius Fučík's "Entrance of the Gladiators", best known as the tune played at circuses—especially accompanying clowns—alternating between hobo and bear with bear growls between reprisals of the circus tune.]

Joel: Fine. Have it your way.
 * [Joel gives up and returns to the arbitration hearing; Nick follows, continuing his hobo bear dance.]

Nick: "Where's the honey? I'm a hobo bear!"


 * [Time lapse. Glen is now in on the arbitration hearing, sitting in a chair which functions as a "witness booth" for the "courtroom".]

Glen: He told me what to do, even though I have seniority. And, when I did object, he gave me barcode duty. Which, technically, he's not allowed to do... but... I did it. Nick: Your honor, this is one bitter man with sour grapes. Glen: [whispering] I'm sorry.


 * [Time lapse. Hogan is now in the witness chair; the lawyer holds a box labeled Nörskbild; Team Members Input Center, displaying it as evidence.]

Lawyer: Mr. Hogan, can you explain what this is? Hogan: That is the employee complaint box. Lawyer: How many complaints do you usually find in there? Hogan: None. In fact, I only recently learned of its existence. Lawyer: Would you open the box now, please?
 * [The lawyer hands the box to Hogan. Hogan dramatically opens it above his head, showering himself in small paper complaint forms. Nick looks around uncomfortably.]

Lawyer: And is the subject of the complaints present in this room? Hogan: He is.
 * [Hogan glares and points at Nick. He holds this position.]

Nick: ... That's a little melodramatic, don't you think?


 * [Time lapse. Hogan and the lawyer have brought in a television and VCR and are struggling to set it up.]

Hogan: You have to hit Input Select. Lawyer: I did. [Reactions around the room; Joel and the arbitrator look on, bored.] It's on channel three ... Hogan: Just let me!
 * [Hogan grabs the remote from the lawyer and roughly presses a button on the VCR; it works and an image is displayed.]

Lawyer: There.
 * [On screen, Nick sits, listening to music, at the home office desk, oblivious to a woman waving her arms in front of him.]

Hogan: Now, as our security camera shows, Mr. Hedge ignored the complains of customers ... Nick: Ugh.
 * [Nick shakes his head. On screen, a man approaches Nick's desk, picks up a lamp from it and places it inside his coat before walking away.]

Hogan: He was clearly oblivious to shoplifters: Look, right in front of his nose. Mhm? Now, where was the lamp? You didn't notice.
 * [Nick groans. On screen, an elderly lady collapses beside Nick's desk. Again, he does nothing.]

Hogan: And I believe this footage here speaks for itself. Nick: Oh my God! I suck! Hogan: Yeah. Nick: Joel, why didn't you say anything? Joel: I just told you in the hallway and you started dancing like a bear. Nick: Okay, mistakes were made. Joel: By you. Nick: All right, all right, enough. A'ight, I drop the lawsuit, all right? [Hogan exhales with relief.] Just turn that thing off, please.
 * [Hogan and his lawyer argue over the setup yet again, struggling to figure out how to turn it off.]


 * [Scene: Lucy Sprague's apartment. Lucy is inside, alone. There is a knock at her door, she moves to answer it.]

Andy: [through door; disguising voice] Lucy Sprague? Miss Sprague, this is the police department? We're here to follow up on the—on a report about a strange man accosting you? ''[Lucy opens the door. Andy stands in the doorway.]'' [laughs] I'm not the police, all right? ''[Lucy screams and backs away. Andy enters, putting his hand over her mouth.]'' Look, look, all right. This is terrible, and very uncomfortable, OK, it's very uncomfortable, it's—it's uncomfortable for me, even creepy, all right, but there's something I have for you, OK? [Lucy, her mouth still covered, Mms. Andy puts his phone to his face.] Ma, you're on with Lucy.
 * [Andy puts the phone to Lucy's ear. She continues to look terrified.]

Rose: [on phone] Hello, Lucy? [Lucy Mms.] This is Andy's mother, Rose. [Lucy Mhms.] Listen, dear, you have no reason to be afraid of Andy. [Andy slowly removes his hand from Lucy's mouth.] He really is a very sweet boy. Do you know, when he was little, he would hug complete strangers. Well, it wasn't as cute when he grew up, but, he just has so much love to give. Andy: This is a wonderful apartment.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, living room. Nick and Joel have kept all the complaints from the complaint box and are reading through them. Nick and Lucy are sitting together at the kitchen counter and talking comfortably.]

Joel: Well, here's one. "Nick Hedge is a visionary. How long will his genius go unrewarded?" Jeez, I wonder who wrote this one. Nick: I might have had a hand in that one. Joel: Yeah? Just a little bit? Nick: Just a teensy weensy influence on that. Joel: "A man of endless vision." No, it's—it's good. Subtle. Lucy: [to Andy] Yeah. I don't know. Cilantro just tastes like soap to me. Andy: You know, you might be allergic. You should keep a food log. Lucy: [furtively] It would have to be a thick one.
 * [Lucy and Andy laugh; he puts a hand on her knee.]

Andy: You are terrible! Lucy: No, you are!
 * [Andy takes a plate of biscotti from the counter.]

Andy: Hey, you should try one of these, they're uh, mocha biscotti. They're delightful, I made them yesterday. Joel: You know, I think I liked it a lot better when she was scared of him. Nick: Yeah, you wanna get rid of her? Joel: What have you got in mind? Nick: [laughing] Ohh.
 * [Nick moves over to the fireplace, picking up a log and a fire poker.]

Andy: [to Lucy] You can't? No, don't smell, just go for it. Just go for it. [Lucy struggles to bite through the biscotti.] They're supposed to be hard, it's Italian.
 * [Nick hands the log to Joel and brandishes the fire poker.]

Nick: Shall we? Joel: We shall.
 * [Nick and Joel growl and approach Lucy (off-camera) threateningly, adopting a stereotypical cavemen hunch. She screams.]

Andy: Hey, Lucy don't g—oh. Right. Really? With the wood, guys? Nice.
 * [Credits roll.]