Rock Vote/Transcript


 * It all started with us: The cavemen. Since day one, our people have always been where the action is. Sure, maybe not front and center, but if you're enjoying your modern civilization, you might want to send us a little thank-you note. We're not that hard to find. We're right here beside you. We're really not that different from you. Just a little better lookin'.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Andy is playing a loud, violent video game while Joel eats lunch. Nick exits his bedroom, still in his bedclothes.]

Andy: Yeahahahaha! Nick: Guys. Can we keep it down? Andy: Sorry. Nick: I mean, it's like ... all right, it's noon. But seriously, guys, just... just try to keep it down, all right? Did you at least pick up the mail? Andy: Mail's on the table. [to game] Yeah! Nick: Hey, chronic Master-Chiefer, looks like we got a little piece of mail for you. Andy: Really? Nick: Indeedles. It is your sample ballot for the upcoming state elections Andy: [laughing] Heeeeeey! I don't think I've ever voted for anything before. Nick: How is that possible? Andy: I don't know, I just... it always seems like there's something more important to do. Die Tartarus! Yeah! Oh! Eat plasma! Nick: Well, you know, what, Andy? 'Cause I like you, and I don't think you get enough oxygen to your brain, I am gonna fill out your sample ballot for you and then you can take it into the booth with you. Andy: Thanks. Joel: Uh, no. Nick: Why? Joel: He's my brother. I'll fill it out for him. Andy: You know, I don't need anybody to fill out my ballot for me, OK? I'm not a child. [at game] Agh! Ohhhhhh wha! Joel: How long have you been playing that? Andy: Since ten... on Tuesday. It's really cool, man. Feel my heart. It's, like, beating through my ribs. Joel, feel it. Joel. Joel, come feel my heart! Come feel it. Come feel it. Joel: Put the controller down. Andy: What? Joel: Put down the controller. Andy: You put the controller down. Joel: You need to get outside. Andy: You need to get outside! Joel: You need to... [they grapple over the controller] Andy: Stop it! I'm just gonna turn it back on. Joel: Come on. Andy: I'm just gonna turn-- Joel: Come on! [Andy slowly stands, looks angrily at Joel, and heads for the door.] It's for your own good, Andy. Andy: Whatever! Nick: Are you crying, Andy? Andy: I'm not, Nick!


 * [Scene: Squash court. Joel and Nick are stretching while Andy stands in the back looking through his sample ballot.]

Andy: Heyoooo. There's a lot of people running, you guys, who are we gonna vote for? Nick: Red Goldreyer. Andy: Who? Joel: Of course. Nick: The caveman candidate, you always vote for the caveman candidate. Andy: Well, what if there isn't a caveman running? Nick: Then you examine the issues and you say "Is this good for the caveman?" Joel: Well, I'm a lot more things other than a caveman. Nick: Yeah, yeah, that's true, you're also a total weenus.
 * [Nick serves the ball; he and Joel play as they continue talking.]

Joel: Look, Red Goldreyer always runs, and he never wins. You'd be throwing your vote away. Nick: Only because people like you won't vote for him.
 * [Joel catches the ball, stopping play.]

Joel: It's because he never wins. Nick: Because you won't vote for him. Joel: All right, Andy, come on. Let's play some cut-throat.
 * [Andy starts brandishing his squash racquet, looking thoughtful.]

Andy: You know ... this would be really good ... for killing civilians. Just ... hit the knee, take 'em out, and then [Andy swings his racquet and makes a cracking noise.] and then just ... over the head, repeatedly. Joel: Got it.


 * [Scene: Bar. The guys and Maurice sit, drinking.]

Nick: OK, well, if not Goldreyer, then who should Andy vote for? Joel: I don't know. I kinda like Whitman. Nick: Ugh. I knew you were gonna say that. [Maurice laughs.] Andy, you are not allowed to vote for Jack Whitman. Joel: Why not? Nick: He's anti-caveman. Joel: How? Nick: Because he's running against a caveman. Joel: So, if he was running against a woman, then he'd be ... Nick: Anti-woman. Joel: And, if he were running against a bald guy, then he'd be ... Nick: Anti-bald, and pro-hair, OK? What part of "running against" and "anti-" do you not understand? Joel: The part where you use them as synonyms. Maurice: He's right, a caveman can't support Whitman. He looks at us, and all he sees are lowlives. Joel: You are a lowlife. Maurice: A lowlife with a walk-in humidor, sucka. Joel: Right. Look, I really like Whitman's ads, have you seem them? You know, he's always got his sleeves rolled up, and he's wearing a hardhat, and looking at blueprints. He, he really seems like one of us. Nick: Red Goldreyer is one of us.
 * [Andy's thumbs apparently start twitching of their own accord. Maurice notices.]

Maurice: What's wrong with your thumbs, junior? Andy: I don't know ... I'm a little freaked out. Joel: He's suffering from video game withdrawal. Maurice: Been there. I used to play so much Tetris I saw falling bricks when I closed my eyes. Andy: That's weird, man. Maurice: Ah, I used it at intimate times to... prolong the act. Nick: Bam!
 * [Kate enters the bar and approaches the group.]

Kate: Hey! Maurice: Speak of the devil. Joel: Hey! Kate: Did I miss anything? Joel: No. Kate: Oh, uh, did you ask them about the fundraiser yet, by any chance? Joel: Hey, guys? Uhh... there's this fundraiser thing going on tonight, Kate's mom's hosting it. Do you wanna go? Andy: [nodding] Ah— Joel: No? That's good. Nick: A fundraiser? Who's it for? Joel: Uh... voting... voting in general... a-and a little for... Jack Whitman. Nick: Ohhhhhhhhh. [Maurice laughs.] Isn't that interesting. So in other words, you would sell out your heritage for a little bumpity-bump with artificially blonde. Kate: I'm a real blonde, actually. Maurice: She really is. Blonde. Kate: Uh, look. Jack Whitman is a close family friend and my parents just want a good turnout.
 * [As the group discusses politics, Andy continues to focus on his autonomous hands.]

Nick: Andy and I aren't interested in sitting around with a bunch of corpses listening to an anti-caveman tirade. Joel: Andy doesn't want to throw his vote away on some guy whose only qualification is that he's a caveman. Nick: Andy understands that he's not throwing it away if more people would vote for Goldreyer. Joel: Andy, why don't you ... [The group turns to face Andy's empty bar stool.] Andy?


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, trashed. Joel, Nick, and Kate enter.]

Kate: Whoa. Joel: What? ...Andy? Nick: What happened? Andy: The game's gone. Someone broke in while we were out. Joel: Aww, the change jar's gone. Oh my God, and my camera. Andy: And the game, man! The game! This would have never happened if you hadn't dragged me out to talk about voting. I hate democracy. Kate: Wow. They really trashed the place, too. Andy: No. That was me. I was really upset.


 * [Scene: Whitman fundraiser. Joel, Nick and Andy stand near the middle of the room around a small table. Nick and Joel are holding drinks.]

Joel: I know, it sucks being robbed, Andy, but, we live in a big city, it happens. Andy: Those scumballs, man. They shouldn't call this place San Diego, they should call it Scumball Town... home of the... San Diego... Scumballs. Nick: If it was called Scumball Town, then why would their team be called the San Diego anything? Andy: Because they're scumballs, Nick. Drinks waiter: Gentlemen. Nick: Hello! [Nick picks up two more drinks from tray, placing them on the table.] Thank you, and thank you, and can you send the scallop lady, please? Thank you. Joel: Look, Andy, you can be angry about this, or you can change things. With your vote. Jack Whitman is tough on crime. Andy: He is? Joel: Yes, look, see? He says he's gonna add 500 more cops to our streets. Nick: Yeah, let's live in a police state! Andy: That sounds awesome! Nick: You guys are a bunch of fascists, congratulations. [Nick whistles for scallop lady's attention.] Taxi! Scallop lady: Oh, yes, scallops? Nick: [singing] Scallop and bacon, bacon and scallops. Scallop lady: Enjoy.
 * [Nick fakes a cough, throwing scallop over shoulder into potted plant.]

Nick: What? I just want the bacon.
 * [Andy sees Thorne arriving and excitedly excuses himself to approach her.]

Andy: Hey Thorne!
 * [Kate and Leslie approach Joel and Nick.]

Kate: Hi guys. Joel: Oh, hey babe. Leslie: Oh, hi Joel, thank you for bringing, um... your friends. Nick: "Nick". Leslie: Hi Nick. [giggles] Joel: So, how do you know Representative Whitman? Leslie: Oh, um, we used to date. Joel: Oh, before you were married? Leslie: What are you gettin' at? Joel: Nothing. Leslie: 'Scuse me.
 * [Leslie picks up one of Nick's drinks from the table as she passes.]

Nick: You're taking my bacon martini?


 * [Cut to: Elsewhere at fundraiser. Andy and Thorne chat.]

Thorne: Oh, that is terrible. Andy: I know. I just felt so powerless, and weak. Thorne: Oh, you poor baby. I know just what you need to feel like a man again. Andy: Hah, oh yeah? Thorne: A .45! Andy: Yeah, right... that's where, that's where I thought you were going with that. Thorne: To protect yourself, and your home. Andy: You carry a .45? Thorne: Oh, I wish, but that is way too heavy for a purse gun. I carry a .22. Andy: Nobody's gonna rob you, are they? Thorne: Hell no! Look, Andy, you have to protect yourself. It is truly the only way to be a responsible citizen. Andy: Right. Do you have a gun I can borrow? Thorne: Ah, I'm so sorry. I'm down to my last two. Andy: Ohh. Thorne: Yeah, I'm always losing them. Andy: Well.


 * [Cut to: Elsewhere at fundraiser. Leslie and Jack Whitman approach Kate and Joel.]

Leslie: Oh, Kate! I want your friends to meet Jack Whitman. Kate: Hi, hi Jack, nice to see you. Leslie: Jack, this is Joel. Uh, Joel is a caveman. Joel: Very, very nice to meet you. Whitman: Same here, Joel.
 * [Andy and Thorne approach.]

Leslie: Oh, and this one's a caveman, too. Andy: I am! Leslie: [to Kate] Oh, hey, honey, look: There's someone we hate. Joel: So, uh, Mr. Whitman. Our apartment was robbed today... [Whitman sighs understandingly.] ...and I was just telling my brother, here, that you're a man that can do something about that. Whitman: I think it's a shame when people can't feel safe in their own homes. Andy: Here, here! Whitman: Crime is my number one issue. And the first thing you can do is this: you can refuse to be a victim. Nick: Of course! I knew I should have said no when they called and asked me if I wanted to be a victim. Joel: Will you let him talk, please, some of us are interested in what he's saying. Whitman: We need to work on tougher sentences; more jails, more police on the streets. Andy: And more handguns for home-owners so they can shoot the criminal before they commit the crimes. Thorne: Mhm. Whitman: Well, I can't endorse that, but I like the way you think, you're very articulate. Nick: For a caveman? Joel: Uh, would you excuse us?
 * [Joel drags nick away from Whitman.]

Nick: [to Whitman] Nice suit. Joel: Nick, don't be an ass. Nick: Come on, Joel. We all know what "law and order" is code for. Joel: He didn't even say "law and order". Nick: It's a very sophisticated code. And you know what it means? "Let's round up all the cavemen." So let's get out of here. Joel: Fine, go ahead. Andy and I are staying. Nick: Excuse me? Would you stay if it was a Klan rally? Joel: No, in that case we'd leave. Nick: Exactly ...So let's go. Joel: This isn't a Klan rally, Nick. Andy: Mr. Whitman, you've got my vote.
 * [Joel and Nick turn to see Andy smiling and shaking hands with Whitman enthusiastically.]

Nick: Ugh. Joel: Well, how do you like that?


 * [Scene: Firing range. Thorne is demonstrating for Andy, who stands behind her, firing several times. Three other shooters also occupy the room.]

Thorne: Yeah! Yeah! Haha! Woo! Andy: Yeah! Thorne: Ha-ha! Okay, Andy. This bad boy is a TX4, short recoil, locked reach semi-automatic. Andy: Awesome. Thorne: Now, look, this is titanium, so you might be... surprised by its weight. Andy: I've played over 4,000 hours of Aggravated Assault II: City of Blood, I think I know how to handle a gun. Thorne: [laughs] Okay. Andy: Ho-ho-ho!
 * [Andy drops the gun and panics somewhat.]

Thorne: Argh! Instructor: Loose weapon! Cease fire! Shooters, hold the firing line! Andy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
 * [Thorne picks up the gun and removes the munitions, her and Andy raise arms in "safe" gesture.]

Thorne: Safe! Andy: Safe! Other shooter: Safe! Instructor: All safe! Shooters, resume when ready.
 * [Andy still has arms raised in "safe" gesture.]

Thorne: All right! What are you doing? Andy: I can't do this, I can't do it. Thorne: Come on, Andy! You were violated, all right? You're mad. You're like a big old, hairy Jodie Foster. Take back the night! Andy: All right, let's do this. Thorne: Yes. You got this.
 * [Andy tenderly takes the gun and fires.]

Thorne: Yeah! Andy: Oh my God, I hit him. Thorne: Nice shot! Andy: Ohh. Thorne: Woo! Andy: Oh, no, I shot him in the face. Thorne: Ha-ha. Andy: He'd be dead right now. Thorne: Okay, dude? It's a piece of paper. Andy: Ohh, what have I done?
 * [Andy drops the gun again and backs away, horrified.]

Instructor: Loose weapon! Cease fire! Shooters, hold the firing line!


 * [Scene: Street. Nick is walking, and passes some Jack Whitman posters featuring Andy's handshake, displayed under the text "My Instinct Says Whitman." He looks sourly at them.]


 * [Cut to: Apartment. Joel is working out on a machine. Nick shows him a copy of the poster. Its torn edges indicate that he has ripped it from the wall where he found it.]

Joel: What do you want me to say, Nick? Nick: Oh, I don't know, something like "This is an outrage. They've used my brother's image as a cheap, underhanded attempt to gain the caveman vote. You know what, I'm an idiot. I should have listened to my good friend, Nick; he's much, much smarter than me." Joel: I'm not gonna say that. Nick: Well, you could, you know, make it your own, you know, paraphrase. Joel: Look, we don't know how this happened, okay? I mean, Whitman, he seems like a good guy, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Nick: "My instinct says"? Are you kidding me, that's like "Ooga-booga, me caveman vote for Jack Whitman!"
 * [Andy enters the apartment and approaches.]]

Andy: [arriving] What's up guys? [Nick turns around and shows Andy the poster.] Hey, that looks like me--is that me? Nick: Yeah. You've been used, Andy. Andy: I didn't say anything about instinct. And my eyes are crossed in that picture, I look awful. Nick: Yeah, they probably doctored it to make you look like a big fat stupid moron. Joel: Don't listen to him, Andy. Nick's just trying to get you all worked up so that you won't show your support for Whitman. But it's not gonna work. Andy: Yeah, Joel, I don't know about this Whitman guy, man, I mean i-it's just... you know, all the guns and the shooting people... Joel: No, no, no, he never said he was pro-shooting people. Nick: You know who's against guns and shooting people? Red Goldreyer. Andy: Really? Joel: You know what else he's against? Winning. Andy doesn't wanna waste his vote. Nick: Don't be so sure, Joel. I can sense a real groundswell; in fact, I'm heading over to Goldreyer HQ right now to make a little donación. Andy? Andy: I'm in. Joel: Andy, come on! Andy: I'm sorry, Joel, it's just, you know, I have to listen to the little voice inside my head.
 * [Andy tears up the poster and runs out.]

Nick: Well, how do you like that?
 * [Nick follows Andy out; Joel frustratedly works the machine.]


 * [Scene: Red Goldreyer assembly, park. Andy and Nick approach the Goldreyer supporters. Many look "alternative hipster", with tattoos, punk hairdos, etc.]

Nick: Dude, you see this? This is grassroots, people-power politics. Andy: I'm telling you, man. World music, face painting? Come on, man, I'm home. Lydia: Hey. I know you. Andy: Oh! Lydia: You're the Whitman caveman. Andy: Look, this is a big misunderstanding, okay, I-- Goldreyer: It's all right, young man, we believe you. Nothing is beneath the Whitman campaign. Old Jack is a perfect example of everything that's wrong with politics today. Andy: Wow. Nail on the head. Goldreyer: Red Goldreyer, it's a pleasure to meet you. Andy: The pleasure's all mine. Nick: Nick Hedge, sir; this is my friend Andy, just wanted to show our support, so ... Goldreyer: Thank you.
 * [Andy gives a thumbs up.]

Nick: You're welcome, it's not much, but... Goldreyer: Oh, well, no sum is too small... even this. Now, rest assured, we'll use every penny to get our message out about gluten. Andy: O...kay. Nick: "Gluten"? Goldreyer: Of course, yeah. We won't win this election. Or the next one. But it's our message that matters. Nick: You're talking about gluten, right, the... stuff that's in bread? Goldreyer: Well, it's not just bread. It's everywhere. Gluten is attacking our immune system, it's poisoning our minds, but you'd never know it because Big Gluten doesn't want you to know it. Nick: "Big Gluten"? Goldreyer: The gluten lobby, and its puppets in Washington. Andy: Yeah. So, wait. Gluten. It's the stuff in bread, right? Goldreyer: It's everywhere. Andy: It's everywhere. Nick: I just... need to see that check, 'cause I think I dated it wrong, so...


 * [Scene: Whitman office. Liberally displayed are copies of the "Instinct" poster. Joel enters.]

Joel: Uh, excuse me? Hi. I'm here to see Councilman Whitman?
 * [Leslie and Whitman exit his office, looking jovial. Leslie's shirt is noticeably unbuttoned.]

Leslie: Stop, you dog, I gotta go! Whitman: Thank you for your contribution! Leslie: Oh, you're welcome, darlin'. [She sees Joel and pulls her shirt closed.] Oh, hi! Whitman: Ahh, um... [clears throat] Joel. Joel, isn't it? It's great to see you. Joel: Yeah, hi. Uhh, I'm here to talk to you about the poster? Whitman: Uhh, what's the problem? Joel: Well, my brother didn't give you permission for this [Joel indicates the many posters.] and he claims that he never even said that. And, look, I-I'm just--I'm trying to convince my brother about the importance of voting, you know, but, frankly this just makes it look like it's some cheap con game. Leslie: Yeah, but his hair looks so pretty. Oh, that reminds me, I have to get my roots done. Bye, Jack. Whitman: Mm-hmm. Leslie: Good seeing you, Joel.
 * [Leslie walks out, adjusting her dress.]

Joel: Yeah. Whitman: This is wrong. I hear you, Joel. I don't know who did this, but I take full responsibility. Joel: Well, thanks. Whitman: Mm-hmm. Joel: I-I th... I didn't want to make a big stink. Whitman: No problem. What matters to you, matters to me. Friends? Joel: Well, okay.
 * [Joel and Whitman shake hands, and Whitman pulls Joel into an embrace.]

Whitman: Come here. Joel: Oh. Whitman: I understand the problems you people face.
 * [Whitman extends the embrace, and shuffles his position, looking over Joel's shoulder.]

Joel: Yeah... [Joel turns around to see a camera trained on them.] Are you filming this? Whitman: Ah, that's just for the electronic press kit.
 * [Joel approaches the camera man.]

Joel: All right, that's enough. All right. Put the camera down, please.


 * [Cut to: Goldreyer assembly. Andy and Nick are still speaking with Goldreyer. Goldreyer hands Andy a small cup with a straw.]

Goldreyer: This water is gluten free. Nick: You know what? That check is gonna take so long to clear, so why don't you give it to me and I'll tear it up and run over to the ATM machine and I'll scoot on back and I'll give you cash. Andy: So let me get this straight: the first step is peace between nations, and the second step is peace between man and animals. Goldreyer: No, no, no. The first step is purging our bodies of gluten, only then is peace between nations possible. Andy: Of course! Goldreyer: What did you eat for breakfast? Andy: Oh my God. We had pancakes. Goldreyer: You need to be irrigated. And quickly!
 * [Goldreyer heads off, urgently.]

Andy: Ohh. I have been feeling bloated.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Andy is ransacking the pantry and trashing most of the apartment's foodstuffs.]

Joel: What's going on, Andy? Andy: I'm ridding the house of gluten. Joel: The stuff in bread? Andy: It's everywhere, Joel. [aside] Ahhhh, I don't know about these. Joel: Nick, why is my brother ridding our house of gluten. Nick: Huh? ...I dunno. Joel: Nick. Nick: Okay, fine. Red Goldreyer should be running for the mayor of Bonkersville, he's nuts. What do you want me to say? Joel: You could say... "I, Nick, am intellectually lazy, and don't know what I'm talking about. Oh, and Joel, Joel is much, much smarter than me." Yeah, you can just paraphrase it, put it in your own words. Andy: Hey, guys? Peanut butter. Gluten, no gluten? What do you think? Joel: Nick, tell him. Nick: Okay, Andy, buddy? You can't vote for Red Goldreyer. Andy: What are you talking about? Nick: He's a lunatic! Andy: But, but, Whitman—Whitman's the— Nick: Yeah, what about Whitman? Joel: I was wrong about Whitman. He's a liar and he's a dirtbag. Andy: You're tearing me apart. Okay, you, you tell me one thing, he tells me another, and then everybody changes again. Nick: That's Rebel Without a Cause. Andy: Yes, but I really think it applies right now. All right? I don't know who to believe, all I want to do is feel safe in this big stupid city and live my life and play my video games without worrying about anybody stealing them, and—and—and eat cookies with gluten in them instead of these, these... gluten-free cookies... which... they taste like dirt! Okay? Dirt!
 * [Andy storms out.]

Joel: Huh, that was actually fairly articulate. Nick: Yeah.
 * [Andy storms back in.]

Andy: And another thing! All right? From now on, I'm gonna gonna make up my own mind, I'm not some bocce ball, in your little game, of lawn... mmm-bocce ball.
 * [Andy walks out again.]

Joel: Shouldn't have come back in. Nick: It's like Caddyshack 2. Just shouldn't have done it.


 * [Scene: Polling station. Joel and Nick exit separate booths.]

Nick: So who'd you vote for? Joel: A shot in the dark this time. Went with somebody named "Witherspoon". Just liked the name. Nick: Dude, you are obsessed with Reese Witherspoon. Joel: Guilty. Who'd you vote for? Nick: Witherspoon. She is adorablé. Joel: Yeah, she's like a little southern talent cupcake. Nick: Yeah, but Ryan Phileep is a total urinal cake. Joel: Uh, it's Phillipe. Nick: That's what I said. Joel: No, you said Phil-eep... It's different.
 * [Andy exits his booth.]

Nick: Who'd you vote for, Andy? Andy: Oh, uh, Witherspoon. Joel: Oh, you liked the name too, huh? Andy: No, Witherspoon's got some really, really smart ideas on reducing classroom size, and a community policing initiative, and adding an addition carpool lane on the five. I mean, this is really smart thinking, I mean it's-it's-it's practical stuff that's gonna help improve the quality of life in San Diego. Nick: Yeah, that's why we voted for her, too. Joel: Yeah, pretty much. Andy: It's a guy. His name's "Bruno". You guys should open a newspaper from time to time. [Andy waves to ballot-taker.] Hello, sir. Nick: There are plenty of women named "Bruno".


 * [Scene: Apartment. Andy and Maurice are playing the same game that was stolen earlier.]

Nick: Ah, nothing more relaxing than the sound of incessant gunfire. Joel: So he bought a new game system. It's his money. Andy: No, this is second hand. Maurice sold it to me. And the price was right! Maurice: Who's your daddy? That would be me. Nick: Hey, why is my old profile on the machine? Andy: No way... Maurice: How peculiar. Andy: Wait a minute. You sold me back my own stolen machine?! Maurice: I didn't ask where it came from, and in my own defense, I made very little on the transaction.
 * [Nick sits down next to Andy in front of the television. Andy and Maurice are still playing.]

Andy: Ohh, son... Nick: I got winner's.
 * [Credits roll.]