The Cavewoman/Transcript


 * It all started with us: The cavemen. Since day one, our people have always been where the action is. Sure, maybe not front and center, but if you're enjoying your modern civilization, you might want to send us a little thank-you note. We're not that hard to find. We're right here beside you. We're really not that different from you. Just a little better lookin'.


 * [Scene: Outside Fruitberry, a frozen yogurt bar, is an extremely long queue waiting for entry. Joel approaches the man at the end of the queue, unsure of what is going on.]

Joel: Uh ... what's this for? Fred: Fruitberry. It's frozen yogurt. With real fruit. It's the new thing. Trust me: You want it.
 * [Joel looks somewhat unsure, but gets in the queue to try it anyway. Time lapse; Joel is back in the queue again, this time with Andy.]

Joel: It's Fruitberry. It's like no frozen yogurt you've ever had before. Andy: ... Why? Joel: I don't know, I can't explain it, it just—it gets in your head, and it takes over.
 * [Time lapse; now Andy, Joel and Nick are all in line.]

Andy: I'm so excited! [excited noise] Gonna have Fruitberry! Joel: You know, I was zoning out when I was driving the other day, and I looked up, and I was here.
 * [Andy and Joel laugh.]

Nick: You guys are such a sucker for these fads. Juice bars, cupcakes, fancy coffees. Andy: Honey glazed hams! Joel: What? Nick: What? Andy: Come on, the—the—the great ham craze of '96, you guys remember. I was obsessed, I had like five or six sandwiches a day, big ... like, thick ones. Joel: OK, Andy, in order to be a fad, more people had to like it than just you. Andy: What? Joel: Fruitberry is the real deal. Nick: It's like you guys love this stuff just because everybody else does, it's basic herd mentality B.S. Joel: Well then, why are you here? Nick: So I know what to hate.


 * [Cut to: Fruitberry, interior. Joel, Andy, and Nick have finally reached the counter. Joel and Andy grin stupidly.]

Nick: Well, now, this I can understand. Joel: What? Nick: You're not here 'cause you're a mindless sheep, you're here for the hot piece of cave behind the counter. ''[A cavewoman is shown serving up frozen yogurt; she flings her hair sexily in slow motion. All three cavemen look awestruck.]'' ... Wow. Joel: I come here for the yogurt. Not the girl in the tight uniform who isn't wearing the thickest bra ever made. Andy: Yeah. Sure doesn't seem to be giving her much support.
 * [The yogurt server approaches Joel, Andy, and Nick at the counter.]

Heather: [to Joel] So ... how's my little vanilla topped with kiwi and fruity pebbles? Joel: [giggles] Sweet and delicious. Nick: [laughs] Cheesy and corny.
 * [Andy laughs at Nick's comment.]

Heather: [to Nick] Let's see, I have you pegged for ... chai tea with banana and granola. Nick: Aww, I appreciate your flirtations, but I'm just here to hate this crap, so what are your worst toppings? Heather: Oh, you're that guy. Nick: What guy? Heather: The guy that hates everything everyone else likes because it makes him feel superior. Tell me, what's it like to hate the Beatles? Nick: Superior.
 * [Nick and Heather giggle.]


 * [Cut to: Outside Fruitberry. Joel, Andy, and Nick carry their yogurt to a table on the sidewalk.]

Nick: Your little cave thing's got the hots for old Nicky. Joel: She is not my "cave thing". I have a girlfriend. But just so you know, she is jonesing to ride the Joel Train. Nick: Please, you're not a train; you're like a sad little parking lot tram at Disneyland. My friend, she wants to take a ride on the Nick Hedge Bullet Express. Andy: [laughs] Those are really fast ... Is that what you're trying to say? Nick: No, certainly not, I'm more like a slow-train ... wait ... Joel: Right. Nick: All right, hol—forget the train analogy here ... Andy: All right, yeah. Nick: ... for a minute, and let's all agree that I am a superb lover. Andy: Mm. Joel: No, I'm not gonna agree with that. Nick: Dude, did you see her undressing me with her eyes in there, and then she threw me up against the wall and made love to me ... with her ... eyes. Andy: You know, I should get back in the game. Now that I'm past Susan ... Nick: You couldn't handle her—you know what, neither of you could. [to Joel] Kate is more your speed: she's a safe, docile little sape, you know? Heather would eat you alive, and then wipe her mouth with Andy-dandy. Andy: What? Joel: Come on, you just met her five minutes ago. Nick: Yeah, but I know cavewomen. And she is the real deal, OK? None of this Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants mumbo-jumbo, dancin' around, listenin' to Motown songs, singin' into their spoons, you know? Andy: That sounds like fun. Nick: Cavewomen care about what's important, [Nick points to his heart.] what's inside here, their true self. They know what they want, and this one wants moi. Joel: Mm. Andy: This yogurt gets better with every bite. Nick: It tastes like ... revolting slop. Andy: Well, why are you eating it then? Nick: 'Cause I paid for it. Joel: I paid for it. Nick: My point is, it was paid for.


 * [Scene: Fruitberry again. Joel and Kate are toward the front of the queue inside.]

Kate: I am so psyched to try this stuff, everybody's talking about it at work, non-stop. Joel: Yeah, it's fantastic ... Uhm, just a little heads up ... the, uh, the girl at the counter, she's a little ... flirty. Kate: Really? Does she want to ride the Joel Train?
 * [Kate giggles, Joel's eyes widen a little.]

Joel: Just—just didn't want you to get caught off-guard. Kate: [unsure] OK.
 * [Joel and Kate arrive at the counter; Heather is serving again.]

Heather: Hey, Joel. One medium vanilla with kiwi and fruity pebbles? Joel: Yep, [Joel laughs uncomfortably, Kate looks on with some concern.] that's my order. Uh, and, uh, Kate, you'll have, uh ...
 * [Heather turns her attention to Kate, looking sneeringly at her.]

Kate: Um, I don't know, everything looks really good. Maybe, a, uhh ... Heather: [brusk] Are you gonna order or not? Kate: OK, um ... I guess I'll have a medium chai tea with mangoes and strawberries, please? Heather: We're out of mangoes.
 * [Joel and Kate both look at the large mango bowl situated directly in front of him.]

Kate: [hesitant] No, you're not, there's some right there. Heather: No. We're out. Kate: No, they're—I'm staring at a big bowl of mangoes. Heather: Yeah, I said we're out of mangoes, smoothie. Kate: What did you call me? Heather: You heard me ... smoothie.
 * [Joel shakes his head, uncomfortable.]

Kate: Joel?
 * [Joel looks from Kate to Heather a few times as if trying to find a way out of the situation.]

Joel: Oh— [to Heather] Hey ... now now ... that's ...
 * [Kate gives Joel an angry look.]

Heather: [to Joel] You know, I didn't take you for a guy who would date a smoothie. Kate: Ugh! I am out of here.
 * [Kate walks out, Joel remains at the counter watching her go for a moment, unsure.]

Joel: ... What about our yogurt?
 * [Joel finally follows Kate out of the store, passing by Nick and Andy in the queue.]

Nick: Are you guys in a fight? Andy: Hey! What flavor did you get?
 * [Joel continues to follow Kate out the door.]

Joel: Kate, wait. Kate: You didn't stand up for me at all, Joel. Joel: Well, I said "Hey". And I hammered it home with a—a "now now".
 * [Kate stops walking and turns to face Joel.]

Kate: "Now ... now"? Joel: Well—I'm—You're not saying it the way that I said it. I said it with a lot more menace ... "Now now." Like that. Kate: Joel, why did you even bring me here? Joel: It was your idea! Look, all I wanted was a medium vanilla yogurt with kiwi and fruity pebbles. Kate: "Pebbles"? Wow, it's very interesting that you would pick a sexy cavewoman, Joel. Joel: What? No, Pebbles was a baby. Kate: Not on The Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm Show!
 * [Kate storms away. Joel stands dumbstruck.]


 * [Cut to: Fruitberry interior. Nick and Andy are at the counter. Heather hands Andy his order.]

Andy: Thank you. Heather: You know, I might have been a little harsh with your friend and the smoothie. I just hate to see it. Nick: Hey, I'm with you, babe. Personally, I prefer a lady with a brow you could sit a champagne flute on. Heather: Mmmm. You got the champagne? Nick: Ooh, hehe. I'll get the champagne. Heather: Hmmm, cheers. Nick: So uhh ... what do I owe you? Heather: Gimme your card.
 * [Nick hands over (what he thinks is) his Fruitberry card and Heather begins punching holes in it to allow him a free yogurt. She and Nick both giggle as she does so.]

Heather: This one's free. Nick: Ohh, this is my Social Security card ... but ... thank you. OK ... see you later.
 * [They both giggle again as he takes his yogurt.]


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Joel stands in the living room talking to Andy, who is splayed across the couch; they each have beers.]

Joel: I mean, what was I supposed to do, huh? Challenge the woman to a duel? Andy: [absent-minded] A duel, right ... Joel: I guess I shouldn't have brought Kate there to begin with. But, you know, hindsight is 20/20. Andy: [absent-minded] Yep, hindsight ... is good ... for you ... Joel: ... You're still thinking of Fruitberry, aren't you? Andy: Yeah. I'm sor—I'm a million miles away, right; I'm genuinely sorry.
 * [Joel sits down on the arm of the couch.]

Joel: All right, answer me this. Pebbles, from The Flintstones? OK, hot ... or a baby? Andy: Hot. Joel: No. Baby. Not—not hot. She was like three years old. Andy: What, not in The Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm Show.
 * [Nick enters the apartment with a giggling Heather.]

Nick: ... So I had the guy's assistant fired.
 * [Nick and Heather both laugh, then start kissing passionately. Joel and Andy look on in awe. Heather looks around the apartment and is impressed.]

Heather: Ooh. [laughs] [to Joel] Hi, fruity pebble. [to Nick] So, which bedroom's yours? Nick: Back and to the right. Don't get lost. Heather: Mmm, and you ... might want to do some stretches.
 * [Heather continues on to Nick's bedroom while he remains in the living room with Joel and Andy.]

Nick: [laughs] OK. Andy: [laughing] Ohh ... What does she mean? Nick: [whispering] Sex.
 * [Joel gets up from the couch arm and takes a couple of steps toward Nick, who has started stretching.]

Joel: You're welcome. Nick: 'Scuse me? Joel: Well, I mean, if I hadn't given her the old Heisman, [Joel poses, mimicking the Heisman Trophy.] then you wouldn't be doing the old ... [Joel pauses to do an awkward-looking Ickey Shuffle.] touchdown dance. Nick: You know what, you're right ... If you weren't such a smoothie-chaser, then I wouldn't, uh ... have found my in. Joel: OK, I am not a smoothie-chaser. I like Kate for Kate, because Kate is great. [There is an awkward silence; Andy looks put off by the turn of phrase.] I—I didn't mean to rhyme, just then. Nick: Ahh. But you did, Joel. Joel: You know, it's funny, because this is the first action that you've gotten in, like, a year. And yet, you're standing here talking to me. Nick: Point well taken.
 * [Nick waves and heads for his bedroom.]

Andy: Oh! Nick. Hey. Would you ask Heather if she's got a friend for me? Nick: Dude, I'm about to cave it up, in here. Andy: So what, so you're not gonna go right into it, just ask her during foreplay or something. [Nick waves and continues into the hallway leading to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.] Nick! [to Joel] He's gonna ask her. Joel: Very smooth, dude.


 * [Cut to: Nick's bedroom. Nick enters and closes the door behind him. He looks around, not seeing Heather.]

Nick: Heather? Babe?
 * [Heather leaps into the frame and onto Nick, pinning him to the floor. He groans, and she breathes heavily.]

Heather: Did I hurt you, baby?
 * [Heather removes Nick's glasses and caresses his cheek.]

Nick: No, I—I—I'm good.
 * [Heather picks Nick up again by the chest of his shirt, throwing him onto the bed and landing on top of him. Nick groans.]


 * [Cut to: Living room. Joel and Andy can hear furniture being knocked around and Nick and Heather groaning. Andy sits up, alarmed.]

Joel: Listen to that ... [More groaning and bumping of furniture from Nick's bedroom.] What do they think they're proving, huh? Andy: I dunno ... Whatever it is, they're proving the hell out of it.


 * [Scene: Nick's bedroom, next morning. The room is a complete mess, with clothes covering the floor. Nick lays across the bed using a pet fur roller to clean the hair from his sheets. Heather is brushing her teeth with an electric toothbrush on the other side of the room.]

Nick: Good morning, sunshine. [Heather looks at Nick, but doesn't say anything.] Are you using my toothbrush? Heather: If I've got anything, you already have it. Nick: Heh, and then some, heyo! [laughs] Heather: Whatever. Where's my breakfast? Nick: Oh, I could ... go make you some, if—if you want. Heather: It's too late, now, I have to get to work. Don't you? Nick: No, remember, I'm working on my dissertation. Heather: How many years have you been working on that? Nick: Uhh, about four and a half, technically four, and then really intensely, only like, three years. Heather: Wow. Boring. Nick: [giggles] I guess it is. Heather: I'm gonna take a shower. [sighs] I feel dirty and unsatisfied.
 * [Heather grabs Nick's robe and heads for the bathroom; he smiles after her.]


 * [Scene: Living area. Nick is up and dressed, entering the area smiling. Andy and Heather sit at the table, her in Nick's robe; he eats "Choco Charlies" cereal, she drinks coffee.]

Heather: F.Y.I., your robe stinks. Oh, and don't worry, I figured out your coffee pot. [indicating Andy] This guy helped. Andy: "Andy", is my ... Nick: Isn't she, like ... [Nick giggles and makes a vague "she's great" hand gesture.] Andy: Yeah. [to Heather] Uhm, hey, Heather? Do you have any single friends? Heather: Stand up. Gimme a little spin. Andy: Wh—what? Heather: Turn around! I gotta see what we're workin' with.
 * [Andy stands up turns around; Heather looks at his ass.]

Heather: ... A little ... flat. [Andy cups his ass and looks taken-aback.] But that's all right. What are you doing tonight? [Andy sits down again, continuing to look uncomfortable.] I got a friend you should call, her name's Brandy. You'll love her, she teaches kick-boxing. [Andy looks on wide-eyed as she writes down Brandy's number.] Here's her number; call her right now, she's probably on her smoke break. Andy: Can you tell me anything about her, or— Heather: What, you're too good for her now? Andy: [laughing] Oh, no, no. No, I'd just like to know what I'm getting my— Heather: Call her. Andy: I just need a little time ... to think. Heather: You couldn't handle a real woman if she came up and bit you on your flat ass. Andy: You're right, I wouldn't like that. Nick: I might. [giggles] Heather: Call her anyway. ''[Andy leaves the table looking wary, taking his bowl with him. Joel comes into the room dressed for work and checking his mail.]'' Hey, chucklehead. Joel: Oh, good morning, Heather. Heather: How's tricks? Joel: Oh, I just want to remind you of what that little silver handle is on the side of the toilet? Yeah, not just decorative. Heather: OK, dad. [Heather sighs and stands up from the table, walking toward Nick.] Well, I gotta get dressed. Gotta go sling the fro-yo.
 * [Heather kisses Nick, then pushes him, full force, into the fridge behind him. He hits jarringly; Heather looks pleased with this release and walks off.]

Nick: There goes the mother of my children. Joel: That should be great. Nick: [giggling] Yeah, it's gonna be great.


 * [Scene: Restaurant. Kate, Leslie and Thorne sit at a table, eating and drinking.]

Leslie: You know, what does, uh, "smoothie" even mean? Kate: It's what they call people like us, people that aren't covered in body hair. Leslie: Ohh. Thorne: Look, that woman is just jealous because she has to shave her legs with a chainsaw.
 * [Leslie giggles.]

Kate: You know, Joel didn't defend me at all. He was just standing there, staring at her huge cave-boobs. Leslie: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. But I knew it was just a matter of time, I mean, relationships are hard enough, but when the two people involved are as different as you and Joel, ooh. Kate: Do you really think so? Leslie: Oh honey, I lived it. You know, your father was a Sigma Chi, and I am a Kappa Kappa Gamma. [Kate and Thorne share a look.] Those were difficult times. Thorne: Look. That woman? She wants Joel. OK, and she's being aggressive about it. So, you've gotta go down there and you've gotta show her that you're not gonna be intimidated. Kate: You're right! You're totally right. I'm gonna go down there right now, because I am not scared of her. Leslie: Oh boy, we can get some of that yogurt. [Kate gives her mother an exasperated look.] Well, you've gotta try it, honey, the crap is ambrosia.


 * [Scene: Fruitberry. Thorne, Kate and Leslie scope out Heather behind the counter.]

Kate: Oh, there she is. Thorne: She's not so ... great. Leslie: She's a damn linebacker.
 * [Heather sees them coming and comes around the counter as she speaks, stopping in front of them—being far taller than any of them, her appearance is imposing.]

Heather: Well, well. It's the return of Malibu Barbie. I don't see your pink dream car outside. Thorne: Back off, Bigfoot, back off! Kate: No, stay, actually, because, I ... [Leslie pats Kate on the back and moves away to look at the yogurt selection.] n—have something that I need to say to you. Heather: What? Kate: Well, yesterday, I came in here, uhm ... with my boyfriend, Joel, and— Heather: I haven't got all day, smoothie. Thorne: Ugh! You do not want me to climb up on this table and get in your face. Heather: You ... I like. Thorne: ... What? Heather: You've got cojones, squeaky. I could pop your head like a grape, but I'm not going to. [to Kate] You could learn something from your little, tiny friend here.
 * [Leslie has returned, now eating frozen yogurt.]

Kate: Look, just stay away from Joel, he's mine! Heather: You can have him, the guy's a wuss. Kate: No, he's not, he's just ... non-confrontational. Heather: Yeah, a wuss. Look, don't get your panties in a clump, most guys are wusses. [Thorne and Leslie both give looks of agreement.] I mean, last night? I was with this guy ... he could not perform. I mean, like, at all.
 * [All three give sympathetic Ohs.]

Leslie: Oh, you poor baby. I have one of those at home. Kate: Mom, for God's sakes! Leslie: What? You're my little miracle. Heather: [laughing] You guys are all right. [giggles] Hey, I'll tell you what: today, you're yogurt's on me. Leslie: Ohh! Thorne: Thank you! Heather: No problem, Mighty Mouse.
 * [Heather tousles Thorne's hair; she hand-brushes it back into place.]

Thorne: Don't ... do that. Heather: Uh huh, miss thing.


 * [Scene: Squash court. Heather and Nick are playing together; Heather hits the ball and then shoulder-rams Nick in the wall to prevent him returning it. He groans.]

Heather: Shouldn't you be better at this, as much as you play and don't work? Nick: You know what, I work. Heather: Yeah? What do they pay you for typing one page a year? Nick: It's not about speed. Heather: Obviously. 7–4, man-boy.
 * [Heather deliberately serves directly into Nick's back. He cries out in pain.]

Heather: My point. Nick: Actually, that's a fault. Heather: You should get a fault for wearing those socks, [Heather indicates Nick's blue and orange star pattern socks.] 8–4. Nick: Hey, you know what? Take it down a notch; squash isn't a game of power, it's a game of finesse.
 * [Nick serves the ball.]

Heather: Don't speak French to me, Frasier.
 * [Heather performs the same trick as before, hitting the ball and then shoulder-ramming Nick. Before he hits the wall, however ...]


 * [Cut to: Nick's bedroom. Nick goes flying at the wall, slamming against it with Heather quickly following, kissing his neck.]

Nick: [pained] Ohhh. Oh! I think my shoulder came out of the socket. Heather: Yeah. That happens. Nick: Oh, God.
 * [Heather grabs Nick's arm and roughly forces it back into place. He groans loudly.]

Nick: Mother of—
 * [Heather slaps him and places her hand over his mouth.]

Heather: Don't act like a woman.
 * [Nick is grabbed by the shirt and hurled across the room.]


 * [Scene: Living room. Andy is watching an exercise equipment infomercial on TV and drinking beer. He hears Heather coming out of Nick's room and puts his head back and pretends to snore. She approaches him and takes the beer can from his hand.]

Heather: Too late. I know you're awake. [She drinks from his can; Andy sits up again.] Did you call my friend, yet? Andy: ... Yes. Heather: No, you didn't. I talked to her tonight. Andy: Well, why'd you let me lie then? [Heather walks off with Andy's beer.] Hey! You know, there's cold beers in the refrigerator. You didn't have to take mine.


 * [Cut to: Nick's bedroom. Nick, clutching his shoulder, collapses onto his bed face-first, looking sore and exhausted. Heather enters behind him.]

Heather: Ready for round two?
 * [She scrunches the empty beer can and throws it to the floor.]

Nick: Oh, God.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment, study area. Nick intently types on his laptop, checking against a book for research. Andy approaches swinging a lacrosse stick.]

Andy: What are you doing? Nick: I'm working on my dissertation. Andy: [laughing] Yeah, right. [Andy leans in to see what Nick is really doing.] Oh my God, you are! Why? Nick: [sighs] Heather wants to see pages by Friday, OK? Andy: Wait, your girlfriend is giving you orders? Nick: She's not my girlfriend, it's completely casual, but ... she is serious about this deadline. [Andy laughs at Nick.] So just, leave me alone, OK? Andy: Whatever, dude.
 * [Andy moves away, sitting in a chair a few feet behind Nick. Joel enters the apartment in work uniform.]

Joel: Hey guys. Andy: Dude, check it out, Hedge is totally whipped. [laughs] Joel: No way. She's got you working on the dissertation? Andy: Can you believe that? [Joel makes a whip-cracking noise and motion.] Oh. Yeah. ''[Andy does the same using his lacrosse stick as a prop. Joel and Andy begin making whip-crack sounds back and forth.]'' Nick: Really? Whipping noises?
 * [Andy and Joel continue.]

Andy: [between whip-cracks] Don't touch the face! Nick: Seriously, just knock it off, guys. I'm under a lot of pressure, here. [voice cracking] What have I gotten myself into, I'm a broken man.
 * [Andy whip-cracks again, laughing.]

Joel: Andy. Andy. Don't. Andy: Why?
 * [Nick rubs his previously dislocated shoulder.]

Joel: Nick, just end it.
 * [Nick shrugs.]

Nick: I can't.
 * [Nick stands up and walks to the kitchen; Joel follows.]

Joel: Yes, you can. Look, there are all kinds of great cavewomen out there. You—And you're not breaking up with all of them, you're just ... breaking up with the craziest one. That does not make you a hypocrite. Nick: I don't care about being a hypocrite, I care about getting the beating of a lifetime. Joel: Oh, come on. Just be direct with her. Man up. She'll respect that. Nick: [groans] All right. I'll do it. I gotta do it.
 * [Andy arrives in the kitchen spinning his lacrosse stick, winding up for an exceptional whip-crack.]

Andy: Whub-whub-whub-whub-whub-whub-whub-whub-whub-kish! [laughs] Nick: Unh. Joel: That doesn't apply. We're done with that. Andy: We did it like, five, six times up there. Joel: Yeah, thank you. [Andy leaves the kitchen.] [to Nick] Sorry about that. [Andy pokes his head in for one more whip-crack.] Andy!
 * [Joel chases Andy out of the kitchen.]


 * [Scene: Fruitberry. Andy is inside, sitting with a woman; they both have yogurt.]

Andy: [laughs] So we named him "Butternuts". [Heather approaches, looking threatening.] Hey, Heather! Hey, this is Marcia. [Marcia waves to Heather and smiles.] We met in line. Turns out she loves vanilla with licorice drops and kiwi, too. [laughs] Heather: Get away from him.
 * [Marcia looks Heather up and down, then runs.]

Andy: Marcia! ... Heather, what's wrong? Heather: What's wrong is that you're taken. By my friend. If you don't call her, I'm gonna rip your voicebox out and call her myself ... [Andy puts a hand to his throat fearfully.] but in your voice. What's it gonna be? Andy: [coughs] ... Uh ... I'm gay. Heather: ... What? Andy: Yeah. I'm a gay man ... I enjoy the gay lifestyle. Heather: Then, why'd you ask me if I had a friend? Andy: [improvising] Lll-last ditch effort. Heather: Oh, right. Andy: Yep. Heather: Yeah.
 * [Andy and Heather laugh.]

Andy: Unsuccessful.
 * [They laugh some more. Heather looks at the man seated at the next table over from Andy.]

Heather: Then make out with that guy. Andy: Bu— ... What if he's not gay? Dylan: I am. Andy: Oh, you are! You are. [laughing] This isn't funny.
 * [Andy gets up and runs right out of the store.]

''[Scene: Restaurant. Joel and Kate sit at a candlelit table.]''

Joel: OK, look. I'm sorry. I realize that it didn't seem like I was defending you enough, and I was wrong. Kate: Mmm. Well, you were.
 * [Joel nods.]

Joel: Oh, by the way, I've got some good news. Nick and Heather hooked up, so, it's not a problem any more. Kate: It's not a problem because Heather is dating someone else? What about the fact that you're dating somebody else, Joel? Joel: No, I me—that's always been a problem. I—I mean, it—it's not a problem that ... I'm dating you, it's just a problem for dating Heather ... No, no, OK ... that's—that's not what I meant, either. Kate: Well, what do you mean, Joel? Joel: I have no interest in Heather. She is a freak. Kate: Oh, she's a "freak", is she? Joel: I—isn't she? I—I thought you hated her. Kate: Oh, no, you're right, I forgot: all women hate each other, right? [laughs] Joel: No, OK, I didn't say that. Kate: And you know what? Heather is so right. Own your emotions, wuss.
 * [Kate gets up and walks out on Joel.]

Joel: ... "Wuss", I ...


 * [Scene: Movie theater. Nick and Heather walk in and sit down, a baby is laughing somewhere in the theater.]

Heather: Oh my God. Somebody brought a baby to the movies. Ugh. I'm telling you right now: the baby cries ... the mommy dies. Nick: Heather, there's something I need to talk to you about.
 * [A tall man sits down in front of Heather's seat.]

Heather: Oh, great. Nick: ... What? Heather: Tell that guy to slouch down. Nick: He can't help it if he's tall. Heather: Where's your backbone? What kind of a caveman are you? Nick: ... I just have this feeling that you and I— Heather: Blah blah blah, feelings. ''[Heather violently kicks the chair in front of her. The tall man grunts and turns around.] Slouch down, or I'll break the top of you off.'' [to Nick] Try that next time. Nick: Look. Heather. Heather: Oh my God. What? Nick: Is there anything that you want from the concession stand? Heather: Yeah. Large popcorn. Six squirts of the yellow goo, don't get the goo on the outside of the bag. Thanks.
 * [Nick's expression changes as he has a realization.]

Nick: I'm on it.


 * [Cut to: Outside theater. Nick power-walks and then breaks into a run out of the movie theater. He laughs giddily and starts skipping down the street.]


 * [Scene: Outside Fruitberry, night. Joel, Nick and Andy are in Joel's car looking in the window at Heather; Andy is in the back seat.]

Nick: Hey, thank you guys for letting me change our phone number. Andy: Oh, believe me, I'm thrilled. Nick: She took the breakup better than I thought, we just got that one dead possum in the mail. Andy: You know, it actually brought some nice closure to the whole ordeal.
 * [Nick nods.]

Joel: How much longer is her shift, we're gonna be out here forever.
 * [A young teen Homo sapiens boy walks by the car.]

Nick: Psst, kid. [The kid turns back and comes to the window.] Come here. Kid: Yeah? Nick: Here's twenty bucks, go in and get us some yogurt. Kid: You guys eat yogurt?
 * [Joel lunges for the kid from the other side of the car.]

Joel: Yes, we eat yogurt! Nick: Hey! Andy: Joel. Joel: OK, I'm sorry. Nick: Joel. Andy: [rebukingly] Little kid. Kid: OK. What do you want? Nick: Uh, I want vanilla with strawberries and blackberries. Andy: I'd like a chai tea with blueberries and raspberries. Joel: I'll have the chai tea, with strawberries and mango. Nick: All right, you got that kid? Kid: Yeah. Nick: All right, hey! Don't screw this up, all right? There might be a tip in it for you. Andy: Heh. Kid: Got it.
 * [The kid walks over to Fruitberry and gets in line.]

Joel: You're gonna tip that kid? Nick: What are you, kidding me, absolutely not. [The kid gives the guys a thumbs up from the queue.] There he goes, he's giving us a thumbs up.
 * [The guys all give thumbs ups back.]

Andy: Heeeeey!
 * [The kid suddenly breaks from the queue and runs off down the street.]

Nick: Aaand, he's hauling ass with away our money. Joel: So—son of a b...  Nick: Andy, go in there. Andy: What? No. No, I'm not goi—I never called her friend. Joel: Go get our yogurt!
 * [Joel reaches into the back seat and starts shoving Andy toward the door.]

Andy: What are you—Joel! Joel: You're going! Andy: What? Stop it!
 * [Andy opens the door and hurries out, trying to get away from Joel.]

Joel: Get my yogurt! Andy: Joel, you're acting crazy!
 * [Andy runs away from the car and toward Fruitberry.]

Nick: Joel. Joel, you're causing a scene. Joel: [whispering] Get down!
 * [Nick and Joel slouch down in their chairs.]
 * [Credits roll.]