The Mascot/Transcript


 * It all started with us: The cavemen. Since day one, our people have always been where the action is. Sure, maybe not front and center, but if you're enjoying your modern civilization, you might want to send us a little thank-you note. We're not that hard to find. We're right here beside you. We're really not that different from you. Just a little better lookin'.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Joel and Andy sit at the dining table; Joel builds a miniature stonehenge while Andy types on a laptop. Nick enters the room, dressed professionally in a shirt and tie.]

Joel: Ohh. Look at that handsome boy. Nick: Don't say one word, don't even look in my general direction. Joel: Andy, will you get my camera please? I want to take a picture for the fridge. Andy: What's goin' on, Nick? Nick: Due to certain financial hardships, I've been forced to take a job as a... [clears throat] substitute school teacher. Andy: Ohhh. Because I thought maybe you were a Mormon. Nick: [to Joel] He knows that taunting me about this may result in a stab wound, right?
 * [Joel shrugs.]

Andy: No, I'm not taunting you, I'm actually looking for a job myself; I'm working on my resume right now. Here, look.
 * [Andy hands Nick a copy of his resume.]

Nick: Wow, accounting! Andy: Uh-huh. Nick: Take this back. It's making me sad.
 * [Nick gives back the resume.]

Andy: Did you see my special skills? I bet you didn't know I was a drum major, huh? Nick: You just get cooler every second!


 * [Scene: Apartment building parking lot. Joel and Nick walk to Joel's car. Nick is eating a granola bar and pulls the door handle, but finds it locked.]

Nick: [chewing] Can you open the door? Joel: Not until you finish your granola bar. Nick: You're not serious. Joel: No, I just had the car cleaned. Nick: See, this is why I hate bumming rides off you, 'cause it's never just a ride, it's about control, rules, cleanliness, structure. It's like getting a ride in a prison bus. Joel: Fine. Feel free to take a bus. But, until then, you're not eating in my car.
 * [Nick dramatically shoves the rest of the granola bar into his mouth and chews exaggeratedly. Joel electronically unlocks the car and they both get in. After sitting down, Nick immediately coughs half-chewed granola chunks all over Joel's dashboard.]

Nick: Ugh, do you have any milk? Joel: I'm never driving you anywhere again. Nick: [chewing] Why are you so cranky? [Nick watches as the man in the parking spot next to Joel's gets on a moped, revs it up, and rides away.] Look at that guy. 50ccs under him, open road, goes wherever he wants. Joel: Well, just keep working hard and maybe, one day, you can have one of those, too. [Nick mimes hanging himself using his necktie.] Uh, y—you're gonna—wrinkle your tie. Nick: Iiit's yours.


 * [Scene: High school classroom. Nick stands, facing at the blackboard.]

Nick: All right, people; my name is Mr. Hedge. ''[Nick writes "MR HE" on the board, gets halfway through "D," and stops caring, letting his arm drop and leaving a line of chalk halfway down the board. He turns around to look at the class; they silently stare and he walks around to the front of the desk as he speaks, eventually sitting on it.] I can tell by your wide-eyed stares and slackened jaws that you've never been taught by a caveman'' before, so let's go through the basics, shall we? Do I live in a cave? No. I live in a sweet-ass condo. Do I hunt and kill my own food? No. I shop at an organic grocery store and pay too much for heirloom tomatoes. Do I paint animals on walls? On occasion, when I'm drunk enough. Any more questions? ''[After a brief pause, a blonde girl raises her hand. Nick points to her.]'' Hannah Montana. Lisa: Do you have a tail? Nick: Yes. [Nick gets up and walks around the desk as he speaks.] And it's got a poisonous barb on it. So don't mess with me. Now, I'm here for the week, unless Mr. Jenkins's prostate turns out to be the big C. [Nick takes a seat at his desk.] So let's just get through this, all right? So where are we? Lyle: Page ... 86, "The War to End All Wars". Nick: All right. [Nick looks at a boy in a shirt with "RENTAL" across it in large print.] You. Ironic t-shirt. [The boy looks up at Nick.] Read. Jeff: "W-World War I was caused by the assassination of the archduke Franz Ferdinand—"
 * [Nick stands up again to address the students, once again moving to sit on his desk.]

Nick: Ohhh, what an adorably simple explanation for one of the darkest moments in human history. Let me tell you something about World War I: the big countries pimped out the small countries like skeezy little hookers. Lisa: [taking notes] "... Skeezy little hookers." Mimi: That's not in the book. Nick: Textbooks are a crock. Why should you care what Mr. ... [Nick picks up the textbook and reads the name from the cover.] Joanne Guernsley thinks, all right? Think for yourselves, question authority. [The class stares back at Nick absently.] OK. Clearly, you people are in need of some enlightenment. So set your alarm clocks for now. It's wake-up time.


 * [Scene: Hallway, outside Joel's apartment. Leslie knocks on the door.]

Leslie: Ding-dong! ... Hellooo! [Andy comes to the door and Leslie invites herself in.] Hi, Joel, I'm looking for your brother, Andrew. Andy: Ohh. N-No, I'm—I'm Andy. Leslie: Stop it! Andy: No, I—I am. Leslie: Oh, I am so sorry. You two look but exactly alike. Andy: We get that a lot ... Leslie: I bet. Andy: ... from you. Leslie: Well, I'm Leslie, I'm Kate's mom; I manage this property. Nice to meet you. Andy: Yeah, no, we've met. Leslie: Anywho, I found your resume in the copy machine in the rec room. You're an accountant? Andy: Yeah. Leslie: Well, son, today is your lucky day. Just so happens that I am in need of a little number crunching. Are you good with balancing the books? Andy: Yeah. Yeah, I'm—I'm an accountant. Leslie: Perfect! [Leslie starts heading for the door.] I'll pay you. Under the table, of course. [Leslie stops at the door and turns to face Andy.] Oops, I guess I shouldn't say that to my accountant. Andy: Probably not. Leslie: OK, come on, let's go. Andy: Now? Leslie: Yeah. [Leslie whistles as if calling a dog.] Come on, boy! Come on!
 * [Andy follows Leslie out of the apartment, closing the door on his way out.]

Andy: [laughing] Did you just whistle ... at me.


 * [Scene: Classroom. Nick walks from the back of the room to the front holding a trash can; students throw their textbooks in as he passes.]

Nick: So, why does the water from your tap have that funny aftertaste? Mimi: The minerals in the taps? Nick: Wrong. If the free water piped into your home tasted good, why would ever pay for plastic bottles of water, [Reaching the front of the class, Nick puts down the trash can and turns to face the class.] supposedly trucked in from some pristine stream in some made up magical mountain? Jeff: So it's the bottled water lobbyists. Nick: No. Think big picture, who benefits from all this trucking? Lisa: Big Oil! Nick: Bam. Lyle: So... what are we supposed to drink? Nick: Exactly. Guys, why aren't you writing this down? In five years, they're gonna be making a movie about it, OK, and I'll be played by like ... Zac Efron.


 * [Scene: Leslie's office / apartment. Leslie is talking on the phone using a hands-free headset, while Andy sits on the floor surrounded by papers.]

Leslie: [on phone] Well, it's cause you're such a ho-bag. [The person on the other end of the line responds.] OK, fine, slut, whatever. [Another response.] Well, what's the difference? [More chatter.] Oh. Oh! Stop! Good God, woman! Have some couth. Yeah, I gotta go now. [Leslie appears to lose her connection.] What? Mama? [sighs] Skank. [Leslie takes off her headset and walks over to check on Andy.] So how is my little accountant doing? Andy: I'm a little ... confused, actually. You know, [laughing] it's funny, it looks like ... you're trying to funnel money from your husband's account into a dummy corporation. Leslie: Yes. Andy: ... But that's illegal. Leslie: Uh huh. Andy: Which means not legal. Leslie: And? That's why it's going to be our little secret.
 * [Leslie moves to sit in the chair in front of Andy.]

Andy: I can't do this. Leslie: Come on, Andy, it's not like I'm trying to rip off the government. Andy: But, you— Leslie: It's just ... I have a special ... friend ... and ... I would like my special friend to have a nice condo? And for reasons that are too complicated to explain, I would like my husband to remain blissfully ignorant. Andy: ... Yeah, Leslie, I'm sorry, I'm just not comfortable with this.
 * [Andy and Leslie both stand up.]

Leslie: Pleeeaaase. Andy: [sighs] But—But— Leslie: Oh, come ooon. Andy: Look, you can get— Leslie: You can do iiit. Andy: No— Leslie: C'mon, just do iiit? Andy: No—Look—No, you—you—you can't— Leslie: Will you just [shouted through clenched teeth] do it! ''[Andy looks alarmed; Leslie turns around to compose herself. When she turns back, she is smiling sweetly.]'' Hi! Andy: [nervous] Mmm. Leslie: I need your help, Andy. Because ... I'm just a woman, and I'm confounded by numbers, and when I saw your resume, [Leslie picks up Andy's resume from her desk to read from it.] I just knew that you were my knight in shining armor. Because you're not only an accountant. [She breathes deeply and with emotion.] You're also a drum major. [Andy looks unsure.] [chanting] Here we go, Andy, here we go. [She claps twice.] Here we go, Andy, here we go. [Leslie claps again; Andy looks to be growing more convinced, but tries to shake it off.]


 * [Scene: Teacher's lounge. Two teachers "Cindy" and "Mr. Riley" are present along with Nick. Cindy is looking for something in the fridge; Riley looks to be grading papers while eating lunch, and Nick is eating a tub of yogurt.]

Cindy: Where's my yogurt? Nick: Man. [Cindy turns to look at Nick.] I can't believe how hungry I am. You work up quite an appetite molding young minds, huh? Cindy: I believe that's my yogurt. Nick: You know what I believe? I believe I've been too cynical for too long. To be honest, I just took this job for the money, but being in there with those kids today just got me really fired up. Cindy: It has my name on it ... "Cindy"? Nick: I mean, having a room full of impressionable minds hanging on your every word, what a rush! Cindy: [to Riley] He's still eating it.
 * [Nick begins to walk toward Cindy and the fridge.]

Nick: And what am I telling you for, you guys are in the trenches day in, day out, fightin' the good fight. [Nick reaches into the fridge and takes out a cling-wrapped sandwich.] Fight for a better tomorrow.
 * [Nick walks out with "his" yogurt tub and sandwich.]

Cindy: That was totally my sandwich. Riley: Those people are always hungry.


 * [Cut to: High school hallway, Outside teacher's lounge. Nick throws the empty yogurt tub in the general direction of a trash can, he misses but continues walking, taking no notice. He begins to unwrap the sandwich and a student passes by.]

Nick: What's up, superstar? "Superstar": Hey, Mr. Hedge.
 * [Nick walks past a large poster on the wall for the high school football team: The Lake Murray High Savages. On the poster is a large, hand-drawn caveman in full stereotypical garb; wearing a leopard skin and brandishing a club in one hand and a football in the other, he grimaces menacingly. After realizing what he had just seen, Nick steps back to look at it head-on, looking outraged. A cheerleader appears behind him and looks at the poster with pride. Nick turns and glares and she hurries on. Nick angrily throws Cindy's sandwich at the poster; the ham from the sandwich sticks to it, so he peels it off the poster and eats it.]


 * [Scene: Classroom. Nick and Principal Collins sit sideways in parallel desk / chairs, facing each other.]

Nick: I mean, the bottom line is, Principal Collins, I was starting to feel at home, believe in what I was doing, and to be slapped in the face like this just— Collins: I hear you. I hear you ... It's not, nor has it never been our intention to offend anyone. Nick: But you are. Collins: Totally hear you ... But ... our caveman mascot is a tradition that dates back to the founding of the school. It's part of our history. Uhh, no different than, say, the Duke Blue Devils. Or the Crimson Tide. Nick: Blue Devils don't exist. And you can't offend the Crimson Tide, it's an abstract concept. Cavemen do exist. Otherwise, you wouldn't have a pissed off one sitting here right now. Collins: Got it. Totally hearing you ... Perhaps the Washington Redskins would be a better example. Nick: Yes. Indeed, they are. 'Cause there are a lot of Native Americans who are super ticked-off about that. Collins: And I hear them. They make a great point. But, I think that you'll find that our mascot is in no way derogatory. On the contrary. He's a noble neanderthal. A celebration of our strength and spirit. We always portray our caveman with dignity and respect.
 * [Collins places a hand on Nick's.]

Nick: I certainly hope so. 'Cause the only reason I'm not walking out of this place is because I actually like this school. Collins: That's the savage spirit. ''[Collins poses as a savage, with arms raised threateningly. Nick stares at her, unimpressed.]'' The Lake Murray High savage spirit. [Nick's expression does not change.] I hear you.


 * [Scene: Squash court. Nick and Maurice, Joel and Andy play doubles as they chat.]

Nick: I'm serious, a fighting savage, but I sat 'em down and set 'em straight. Here's the crazy thing: I'm kind of digging this teaching thing.
 * [Nick hits and wins the point, play stops briefly as the discussion takes over.]

Maurice: Of course you are, man, you're surrounded by those high school honeys all day. Joel: OK, that's a little creepy. Maurice: What, I'm talking about the teachers, man. With their hair in the tight little buns, their cat glasses with little chains and the ... black shoes that look like pilgrim shoes. Joel: Did you go to school in the  ' 50s? Maurice: Oh, I wish. Joel: You're sick. Maurice: You're sick ... of being aced. [Maurice serves up an ace.] I feel the need. The need for speed. [Maurice laughs and raises his hand behind him for a high five from Nick, who doesn't offer one.] Where you at, Nicholas? Nick: I'm still reeling from that ultra-current reference.
 * [Maurice stops waiting for Nick's high-five. Frustrated, Andy heads for the door.]

Andy: All right, I'm not playing any more. Maurice: Yeah, good idea, go home. Wash up. Get some lava rock and ... scrape the shame off your face.
 * [Nick and Maurice laugh at Andy as he goes.]


 * [Cut to: Hallway, outside squash court. Joel gets himself a drink and approaches an uncomfortable-looking Andy, who sits on a sofa, thinking.]

Joel: Hey, what's going on, man? You've been kind of weird lately. Andy: ... It's Kate's mom, I'm doing her books right now, and she's ju—it's jus—she's just ... [sighs] I shouldn't be telling you this. She told me not to tell anyone, so ... Joel: Fine, fine. Andy: She's stealing money from Kate's dad and using it to buy her lover a condo. Joel: What? Andy: Ohh, that feels so good to get that off my chest. Joel: Ohhh, God.
 * [Joel sits down, now upset as Andy was moments ago.]

Andy: [relieved] Phwewf! Joel: Now I've gotta tell Kate, I don't—Ugh, I don't wanna tell Kate. Andy: What a relief! Joel: This really sucks. Andy: I'm ready to play some squash! ''[Andy enthusiastically stands up, a weight lifted off his shoulders, and jumps back on court. Joel remains seated, visibly in anguish at the situation.]'' You're goin' down, Maurice! Maurice: Bring it on, little spider monkey!


 * [Scene: Classroom. Nick is at the board finishing up explaining a complex pet theory which involves (among other things visible on the board) "Evian"; the "Titanic" and "Texas, Canada"; "government spending", "advertising", "Australian Rules Football" and the "CIA"; "Tupac (Biggie?)"; "government", "diet soda", "Big Tobacco", "Vietnam", the "missile crisis" and "Milli Vanilli"; the "moon landing (hoax?)"; "mob boss", "military upset" and "Castro"; the "Bay of Pigs" disaster, "bacon", "US policy", and ultimately, "soccer", which he finishes writing as he speaks.]

Nick: And that is why soccer will never catch on in America. [The school's bell rings, and Nick brushes the chalk off his hands.] [exhausted] Hoo! ''[Suddenly, a crowd of students and teachers appears in the hallway brandishing foam clubs and chanting "Ook! Ook! Ook!" Nick looks at them through the classroom door, dismayed.]'' What the hell are they holding? Lisa: Spirit Clubs! Jeff: Yeah! For the homecoming game. [Jeff takes out a Spirit Club from somewhere under his desk.] Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook!
 * [The entire class follows suit, waving their clubs and chanting. Nick slowly walks out of the room, looking disgustedly at his class. In the hallway, he surveys the offensive display as tens of people, students, and teachers excitedly grunt, cheer, and club their way past him. His jaw drops and he shakes his head in fury.]


 * [Scene: Cafe, outdoor table. Joel sits across from Kate.]

Joel: Man, it is so sad about Reese Witherspoon and that Ryan guy, huh? Kate: It was ... kind of sad. Two years ago, when they broke up. Joel: Yeah. It just goes to show you ... a couple can seem so happy, and then ... boom. [laughs] Kate: Are you ... breaking up with me? Joel: No, I'm—I'm just—I'm reflecting. Kate: [unsure] OK. Joel: Hey ... y-your parents ... Kate: Mhm? Joel: Do they still ... Kate: What, have sex? Joel: No. Kate: Watch porn? Joel: No. Kate: Pee in front of each other? Joel: No, Kate, I— Kate: What? Joel: I was just wondering if they have a good marriage. Kate: Oh, are you kidding me? They're crazy about each other. It's actually really embarrassing, 'cause every time we're at a wedding or something my dad ... grab's my mom's butt.
 * [Kate rolls her eyes.]

Joel: No, that's great. You know, I—I mean, I don't know your dad, but your mom ... she seems ... a—she's really sweet ... and, honest, and ... loyal ... which I'm sure she is ... right? Kate: [unsure] Why are you asking me about my parents, Joel? Joel: I—I just—I wanna know everything about you, that's all. Kate: OK, what else do you wanna know? Joel: ... Do you have any ... m-major food allergies? Kate: Marzipan. Joel: That ... must be easy to avoid. [Kate nods, bemused; Joel awkwardly looks and speaks into his coffee.] OK, those are all my questions.
 * [Kate looks at Joel with an uncertain expression.]


 * [Scene: Outside Lake Murray High. The school's cheerleaders are putting on a pep rally; it is here that the "Ook! Ook!"ing, club waving crowd has congregated. Nick approaches slowly as if unsure this surreal situation is actually taking place. Amongst the crowd and taking part is Principal Collins.]

Collins: Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! Ook! ''[Nick walks to stand before Collins, struggling to remain calm. She smiles at him.]'' Oh, hello, Mr. Hedge. Nick: How are ya? Collins: I'm good. Nick: Remember when we were talking about dignity and respect earlier? Collins: [seriously] Yes. Nick: The clubs? All this "Ook! Ook!" crap? There's a bit of a disconnect there for me. Collins: Heard and noted. The clubs could be perceived as being a little over the line. Nick: Just a tiny bit over the line? Footballer: [over megaphone] All right, Savages! [Collins acts as if she is uncomfortably crowded and fans her face, retreating away from Nick.] Let's make some noise! Collins: Hot ... Excuse me. Footballer: Give it up for your main man, Grok Grooooook!
 * [Grok Grok, the team mascot, breaks through the team banner. He is a massive costumed character, a cartoonishly rendered caveman with exaggerated brow, lips, and teeth, and crossed eyes; he is dressed in an animal fur tunic and carries a huge inflatable club. He shuffles around hunchingly, waving his arms and swinging his club. Standing next to Nick, Mr. Riley cheers enthusiastically.]

Nick: Sweet Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, what is that?


 * [Scene: Apartment building hallway; arriving home from work, Joel peruses his mail as he passes Leslie's office. Seeing him, she pokes her head out; she is holding a shoebox and an extremely long receipt.]

Leslie: [whispering] Andy! [Joel looks up, realizing she means him, and turns around slowly.] Andy! Psst. Come on. Joel: What? Leslie: [whispering] Come in here.
 * [Leslie heads back into her office. Joel follows hesitantly.]

Joel: No, Mrs. McKinney, I—I-I'm not An— Leslie: I just need you to do that little thing you do, you know. Just move around a little more of my husband's cheese. Joel: Yeah, you know, about that ... Leslie: Oh, calm down, Andy. It's just that my special friend is in desperate need of a big, shiny watch, you know, like the kind Matt Lauer wears? Joel: I'm Joel. Leslie: [gasps] Oh. Well. That's upsetting. Joel: Look, Mrs. McKinney, I know what's going on. Leslie: How? Joel: You told me. Just now? Leslie: Yeah, but, I thought that you were someone else. Joel: Look, the point is, I don't know how much longer I can look Kate in the eye and keep this from her. Leslie: Well, her father is much worse than me. Joel: Please don't tell me. Leslie: Do you know that weather girl? On channel 2? Joel: Look, I really don't want to know. Leslie: Who do you think bought her those big fake boobies? Joel: Stop telling me these things. You've either gotta stop doing ... whatever you're doing, or tell Kate what you're doing, but, I don't want anything to do with it, OK? I—I can't deal with all these secrets. Leslie: Okay, fine, I'll take care of it, you big prude.
 * [Joel sighs with relief and nods, walking out of the office. Leslie nervously bites her fingernails.]


 * [Scene: Outside Lake Murray High, pep rally. The crowd cheers and chants, "Grok Grok!" as he clowns around and laughs throatily.]

Riley: Grok Grok! Grok Grok!
 * [A cheerleader passing by nick offers him a Spirit Club.]

Nick: No, thank you.
 * [Nick bats the club out of her hand and she continues on through the crowd; the footballer behind her shakes his head at this. Next, an English Bulldog arrives, being lead from the same direction as Grok Grok earlier. He is also costumed, with stegosaurus spikes along his back.]

Riley: ''Steggy! Steggy! Steggy!'' Nick: What the hell is that? Riley: That's Grok Grok's pet dinosaur, Steggy! I love you, Steggy! Nick: Dinosaurs predate cavemen by 65 million years, so not only is that offensive, but it's highly inaccurate.
 * [Nick notices Principal Collins on the other side of the crowd; despite "leaving" earlier, she has resumed her cheering and Spirit Club-waving. She realizes he sees her and stops. Nick raises his arms and makes an expression as if asking, "What the hell?" Collins mouths back, "I hear you." Nick mouths, "You don't hear me!" and indicates Grok Grok. Realizing no one else is going to do anything, he approaches Grok Grok himself.]

Nick: I know you're just doing your job, but, it's really not cool, and I'm gonna ask you to just stop, OK? [Grok Grok places one hand to his eye and shakes his head as if crying.] You're just—You're gonna mock me, now? You're gonna mock me and pretend to cry like that? Really not cool, man. ''[Grok Grok hits Nick over the head with his club. The crowd cheers.]'' I'm trying to treat you with respect, here, OK? So what I need you to do is just remove yourself from the pep rally, we can g— [Grok Grok hits Nick over the head again, to another round of cheers.] Grok Grok? Don't hit me in the head. [More cheering from the assembled crowd.] Don't. Seriously. I'm trying to keep my composure— [Grok Grok again clubs Nick, resulting in further cheering.] I'm asking you politely, please don't hit me any—[Nick sees Grok Grok winding up for another club.] One more time, Grok Grok, and you're goin' down, brother. [Once again, Nick is clubbed.] All right, ''that is it! You are going down!''
 * [Nick wrestles the club away from Grok Grok and starts wailing on him, hitting him in the chest and then twice in the back, causing the mascot to fall over. In doing so, the costume head falls off, and Grok Grok's portrayer is revealed to be a female student. She is crying.]

"Grok Grok": Oh my God ... why? Nick: Oh God. "Grok Grok": Why would you do that?
 * [The crowd gasps and boos Nick.]

Nick: You s—He—She—He—She hit me! ''[A man helps "Grok Grok" (still beheaded) to stand up. She continues to cry as he leads her away. The crowd begins to hurl Spirit Clubs and pom-poms at Nick.] I did not'' know that she was a she, you guys have to believe me. It's not a big deal. If we could just, please ... calm—Let's all be calm here. [Someone hurls a Spirit Club at Nick, hitting him in the groin.] [falsetto] Ohh! [normal voice] Who did that?


 * [Scene: Lake Murray High, front door. Nick waits outside the building, hiding his face as students pass by. A boy Nick knows comes out, stopping to look at Nick.]

Nick: Oh, hey Dusty.
 * [Dusty spits on the ground at Nick's feet and continues to walk. Maurice drives up in his Boxter and Nick rushes down the steps to the car; as he gets in, Maurice stands up and gets out, surveying the school.]

Nick: Let's go. Maurice: Aren't you gonna introduce me to your teacher friends? Nick: No, get in the car.
 * [Maurice gets back in the car, disappointed.]

Maurice: What about detention, man? I've been a bad boy. Nick: Maurice, listen to me. Do you remember when the bad guys kicked Karate Kid's ass? Maurice: Cobra Kai. Nick: What? Maurice: The bad guys were students at Cobra Kai. Remember, they—they would come up and— Nick: Yeah, fine. Point is, this right here is just like that, and I'm the Karate Kid. Maurice: Daniel-san! Nick: This is why I need my own vehicle.
 * [Maurice spots a teacher approaching the school. She appears to be in her late forties–early fifties, plain-looking, and wears a grey cardigan.]

Maurice: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what have we got here. Me likey. I can smell the chalk dust from here, makes me want to learn.
 * [A group of jocks exit the school just as the teacher goes in; they look down the stairs at Maurice's car.]

Jock: That's him. Maurice: Whoa, who are they? Nick: Drive. Just drive, drive, drive, drive.
 * [Maurice revs the Boxster's engine.]

Maurice: Hope you like the smell of rubber! Wooo!
 * [Maurice and Nick speed away as the jocks shout after them.]


 * [Scene: Bar. Joel finishes his drink; Andy and Nick have already finished theirs. Nick still looks displeased about his day, but Andy and Joel are both looking perky.]

Joel: Another round, Andrew? Andy: Uhh, yes, I think I will have another one. Joel: Mhm. Nick: Why are you guys so happy? Joel: I feel like a new man. He—I am so happy not to be caught up in somebody else's dirty family secret. Andy: What do you think Leslie's gonna do now? Joel: Don't know, don't care. Not my problem. Andy: Yeah, I'm with you, man. I so done with all that shady stuff.
 * [Maurice arrives at the table with his drink.]

Maurice: Hey, I could shoot a little work your way. You available tomorrow night, around 2 AM?
 * [Joel and Andy answer simultaneously.]

Andy: Yeah. Joel: No. [to Andy] You are just determined to go to prison, aren't you? Nick: So are you guys gonna buy another round, or just talk about the concept of it? Andy: Nick! Buck up, man. You're bringing me down. And that's hard to do. Nick: I lost my job today. Which means that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in the passenger seat of [Nick points to Joel.] your car, which, no offense, makes me want to crawl into a bathtub with a very electric toaster. Joel: So a couple hundred high school students saw you beat up a girl. So what, man? Big deal. Nick: It was just a couple hundred, right? Joel: Yeah. Maurice: Don't sweat it, Nicholas.


 * [Scene: Joel's apartment. Nick sits on the sofa in his robe and is using his laptop. He is watching a video on "VidzWeb" entitled "Grok Grok Assault!" It has 141,037 views and 4.5 hearts on the "Lovin' It Meter". It shows him attacking Grok Grok and the reveal that it is a girl under the costume.]

Nick: 140,000 hits? [There is a knock at the door.] Who is it?
 * [The knock comes again. Nick rolls his eyes and frustratedly tosses his laptop on the couch, getting up to open the door. On the other side is Leslie, looking tense.]

Leslie: We need to talk. Nick: What? Leslie: How much is it gonna cost me? Nick: "Cost you"? Leslie: Don't play games with me, Joel, how much is it gonna cost me for you to keep your mouth shut? Nick: But I'm not— Leslie: Five hundred?
 * [Pausing to consider, Nick has a realization.]

Nick: Two thousand. Leslie: "Two thousand"! [Nick shrugs.] [sighs] Fine.
 * [Leslie starts writing up a check for "Joel".]

Nick: Make it out to "cash".
 * [Leslie finishes and hands over the check.]

Leslie: Keep your mouth shut.
 * [Nick watches Leslie as she walks away frustrated.]

Nick: Nice doing business with you. Leslie: Bye. Nick: Bye.
 * [Nick looks down at his check and smiles.]


 * [Scene: Nick exits a cafe, placing his cup on the tray of a passing waitress. He walks toward a crimson moped parked on the street, dons his helmet, sits down, revs it up, smiles, and rides it away.]
 * [Credits roll.]